Friday, August 04, 2006

My Google Biography

From what I've managed to piece together from Google, I've led a rich and varied life. Here's the Official Google Biography of Mr. Greg Mills.

Greg joined Australia's Young Talent Time in 1971 and was a member until 1975. He auditioned to be part of the original team and was unsuccessful, but did appear as a contestant on the second episode. Following this, Greg then returned for the semi finals, where the producers approached his Mum and he made his way into the team.

Through hard work and dedication Greg became the Associate Musical Director for around five years and then became the Musical Director at just 23 years of age.

From there, Greg became a firefighter with the South Australian Metropolitan Fire Service, as well as a columnist for, a gay social network for dating, work and travel.

Between his duties of putting out fires in billabongs and reviewing assless leather chaps, Greg somehow managed to find the time to knock out The wired model: South Africa, foreign policy, and globalization.

Fresh off the treatise writing gig, Greg began looking for something different. He turned his attentions to a field that always interested him: electronic thermostat controls. He joined Control Contractors Anchorage team, starting as a warehouse assistant. Thanks to Greg’s unquenchable interest in learning more about Control Contractors’ full range of controls, Greg moved quickly into a Systems Technician position.

During the day, he gave himself wholly to Control Contractors, but at night, well, at night HE GAVE HIMSELF OVER TO THE THROBBING BEAT, getting his freak on as the bassist for the Possum Holler Band, as well keeping kids from getting their freak in his role as a Youth Pastor .

But still, he missed the Antipodes, and so he became COO for Cincom Australia and New Zealand, where he introduced new policies and procedures to more effectively support customers.

But soon Mills realized something was missing – the culturing influence of higher education. Sure, his background in entertainment, policy work, firefighting, pastoral leadership, business management and writing about homo stuff toughed his grain, but he knew education would give him the leavening to bring his maturation to full rise. So it was off to the Groves of Academe, and so in short order, he collect Bachelors degrees from the University of Sydney, Harvard, the University of Cape Town,John Brown University, Pomona College, Calvary Bible College, and Orange Coast Community College, then went on to collect higher degrees from the University of Lancaster, Santa Clara University and the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University.

But even after all this, Greg still counted his Certificates in Surface Coatings, E-Commerce, and Inventory Management as his most profound achievements.

With this ferocious academic pedigree, it is no wonder that the League of Women Voters brought Greg on as consultant, investigating the efficacy of food stamp programs and techniques for monetizing video game downloads.

But, even all this, was Greg happy? Maybe not. Consider the evidence: one morning he called his wife Carmen and his two wonderful daughters, Angel (7) and Hannah (2) into his oak-lined library.

He spoke one word: “Hollyfuckingwood” and flipped his stunned family the bird.

Foregoing a screen name, Greg appeared as himself in the film Caravan Holiday.
But acting wasn’t big enough hold the gargantuan appetites of someone like Greg. He saw things on the otherside of the camera that had to be improved if film was to last as a medium. He started a one-man renaissance as a
Foley artist, most notably for his masterful work in Joey Travolta’s Waitin’ to Live.

All was going well for Greg. He’d thought he’d left all that Sturm-und-Drang behind him. He shared a condo in Malibu with Joey, he dabbled in building materials on the side, managing to pick up 8 US patents. He thought peace had finally caught up with him. Until, the phone call… from the MOTHERFUCKING QUEEN OF ENGLAND. He found himself set up an Associate Fellow at Royal United Services Institute for Defense and Security Studies, working directly with Elizabeth Regina on security issues of the utmost sensitivity. To be sure, he made some enemies… something that would soon have tragic results.
After saving the Free World, Greg returned to the familiar womb of Academia, this time walking the pine as the Boy’s Varsity basketball coach at Hughes High School. After leading Hughes to an 18-4 record during regular season play, an assassin’s bullet served up a cold vengeance as Coach Mills stood on the sideline during the State quarterfinals.

He was replaced by College of Mount St. Joseph assistant coach Eddie Dreyer (second item).

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Blogger G. said...

My only Google claim to fame? If your Google "Crocs suck" I come up #1 and #2.

I'd rather be Greg Mills.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Crackpot Press said...

And don't forget your hot wings fetish

5:33 PM  
Blogger kimananda said...

I have long suspected you to be a person of unusual and varied talents, but I had no idea. It also fits in nicely with my current reading of Foucault's 'What is an author', for which I both thank and curse you at the same time.

10:43 PM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Here I was, just thinking I was bored at work, when actually I was being all post-modern and transgressive. I feel like Kathy Acker!

(And I wish you'd stop cursing me. These warts are unsightly.)

Still want to interveiw you. Am feeling lazy and postmodern, though.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Walking Spanish said...

i found i was a famous sculptor in australia. What is it with gregs in australia? is that some kind of bizarro world where we simultaneously exist in separate realities?

7:33 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Seems to be a lot of Gregs in the Antipodes. I think fully 20% of the population is called Greg in some parts of Australia.

9:30 AM  

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