Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Hobos! America's sweethearts!


Typical Hobo


What is it about Hobos that has captured the imagination of billions of people around this old Earth? Certainly, one only has to point to the runaway success of the Hobo-themed DaVinci Code for cashbox proof that this esoteric bunch is taking America by storm.

As of the end of 2004, 35,145,331 Americans called themselves Hobos, with 11,173,064 Alpha Hobos leading 126,232 Hobo battalions. Hobos administer themselves mostly by committees of volunteers, but do employ professionals at the higher levels of administration, and for commercial activities.

Hobo use beatings and wild Hobo clog dancing to instill values such as self-esteem, good citizenship, appreciation of the outdoors through a variety of outdoor activities such as living in ditches, carving “wives” out of bark, and stewing cigarette dog ends. Hobos are recognized for their achievements through rank advancement and various special awards.

The Hobo Motto
I got me a sack an’ a big ol’ pole and some twine

The Hobo Slogan
Save them old cans o’ beans so what to boil ‘em to make Can o’ Bean Stew

The Hobo Oath
On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to the Hobo King an and to obey the Hobo Law; to wear only one suspender; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight, at least as morally straight as one could expect from someone who sleeps in a railcar. Oh, and also to sing “I gots high friends in low places” with a jocular enthusiasm and expectorate with panache.

The Hobo Motto and Oath and Law have remained unchanged since they were first developed in 1968.

Are Hobos a secret society bent on world domination?
The Hobo society is only esoteric in the sense that they live under rail bridge in the bushes, so there’s not a lot of transparency. It’s really, really filthy down there.
In testimony before the US Senate Commerce Committee, Hobo activist Walla Walla Davey stated that Hoboism has, in the 21st century, become less a secret society and more of a "fancy pants fandango ball." At least that was what it sounded like, as Davey has very few teeth and had a corn-cob pipe clenched in his few good teeth. Non-Hobo and professor of History Dr. Dieter Salter of the university of Graz describes Hobos as a filthy bunch of stinking tramps.

Notable hobos (with their Hobo names)

Stephen Hawkings “Kid Thunder”

Dame Judy Dench “Big Elsie the Toothless Poopsie”

Charlotte Rampling “Squeaky Sue from Kalamazoo”

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger “Gapped-Toothed Olaf the Shy Mulatto”

Blur “The Sunshine Peg leg Stompers and Standing Water Submarine Band.”

Robert DeNiro “Passed Around Percy the Pleasure Lad”

Noam Chomsky “Little Grunt”

The Live Aid Controversy

Perhaps the most notorious event in Hobo history involved the 1985 LiveAid Concert. Hobos had been hired as crowd security for a fee that was said to include 30 pounds of salted pork and a ball of really strong twine. A shoving match erupted near the stage during Tears for Fears’ performance of “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” (not, as is commonly thought, "Sympathy for the Devil"). A concert patron by the name of Corky Stuart died of dysentery after eating a bowl of Hobo stew provided by one Hobo known as “Reggie the Fudge Spoon”. In later testimony Reggie the Fudge Spoon was heard to sing “Old Susanna”. The judge was forced to call a mistrial as the jury was covered in sputum by the end of Mr. Fudge Spoon’s testimony.

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1 Comments:

Blogger G. said...

Those filthy bastards.

And all this time I thought the official hobo song was, "King of the road."

3:56 PM  

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