Saturday, October 11, 2008

Some answers for Tim

Work chum Tim has been puzzling over some knotty issues as of late, and has asked to me to weigh in on this blog. Here’s the result. I’m not saying my answers are good, but I am saying I am at least trying and that should count for something.

What the f@#ck happened to Ice Cube?

O'Shea Jackson, also known as “Ice Cube” and “Frasier” is primarily famous for wearing baseball caps with aplomb, though he also is a movie actor and was evidently a singer (or whatever the talking guy is in a ska band, sort of like Rankin’ Roger is in General Public) in some sort of ska band or something. His cousin, who is better than him, is Del the Funkee Homosapien, who provided the voice of Barney Rubble in Gorillaz, a Hannah Barbera project.

His turn in the film Anaconda got him a lot of notice, and that launched the Ice Cube media juggernaut, ultimately leading to Ice Cube landing the eponymous role in “That’s So Raven”.

Actually I really don’t know anything about Ice Cube. He seems like he was secretly not all gang guy, but a nerd, like one of the kids in “Fame” or something.

I think the Disney ride that is Ice Cube is closer to the true O’Shea Jackson.

I didn’t answer this one very good.

What manner of guy actually uses those paper toilet-seat covers?

Fussy men in $300 jeans and faux-hawks, creative directors mostly (and we know who I’m talking about).

It has to do with an idiotic denial of one’s own mortality, and the fact that one has a bum-bum that makes boom-booms. These creeps irreconcilably straddle the life-denying stasis of a particularly non-reflective consumer aestheticism and fact that one lives in on the material plane where time is cyclic and we die and are reborn a little bit every sticnking minute of our mortal existence, and the abyss is as a close as the breath of your lover, or splash back from a toilet.

That’s why these people are assholes. BECAUSE THEY PRETEND THEY DON’T OWN THEM.

Also: men who have shingles on their buttocks. But I’m not as annoyed with them, 'cause dudes got painful shingles on they asses.

What are some items one could put Wing Pepper sauce on?

Despite it’s exciting and exotic name Wing Pepper sauce is a watery bland sauce with cloying cheese notes.
Because it’s barely registers, you could dump it gallons of this shit of most things and not improve the flavor.

It is very expensive.

Wing Pepper can be added to the following foods/item, and not even make a goddamn difference:

 Watermelon
 Salsa
 Rice and Milk
 Beef Wellington
 Pad Thai
 Wasabröd ™
 Kugel
 Dry breakfast cereal
 Dried sinew
 Ambrosia
 Beer caddies
 Powdered sports drink
 Chaw-type tabacco snuff
 Eggs
 Tofutti Cuties ™ Vegan Dessert Novelties
 American paper the currency
 Hushpuppies (fried fish)
 Hushpuppies (shoes)
 Shrimp Etuoffe

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Blogger said...

Dear Tim, I think you spend too much time alone (not to say that spending time with Greg will make you think of less craziness)I think that you should take a pottery class or some such thing.

5:58 PM  

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