Thursday, May 04, 2006

At a pitch meeting for Japanese television.

48th floor. The NHK building. Somewhere on the smoggy Tokyo plain.
A conference room filled with eager young programming executives. The Boss enters, a middle-aged man in a faggy Takeo Kikuchi suit

Boss: Okay folks, you’ve got 20 minutes. I’ve got an appointment to have a cigarette put out on my scrotum by a very expensive prostitute. Let’s get this shit going. TAKAHARA!

Takahara: Yessss.

Boss: Talk.

Takahara: Okay. The show is called “Negro Parachute Amoeba”.

Boss: Nice.

Takahara: A junior high school and its surrounding environs…

Boss: Environs? Environs are FUCK. Give me specifics.

Takahara: Ah, sports field. Some sidewalk. A corner grocery. A mailbox. The neighborhood.

Boss: I’m on. Go, go, go.

Takahara: A 900-foot tall sun demon rips the whole caboodle out of the ground and hurls it into space. The Junior High is sort of drifting in space on a hunk of the Earth’s crust. Gamma rays turn the kids into warring tribes of homosexual vampires.

Boss: You had better start dropping some interesting shit maintenant, because I am losing the interest thread fucking rapidement, shitbag. Give me sparkle.

Takahara: I was getting to it…the sparkle. Get this: the headmaster or principal or whatever is… a black man.

(Boss’ eyebrows shootup): Go on.

Takahara: Big fucker, like 2 and a half meters.,

Boss: That’s a big fucker.

Takahara: Sure, he’s black. Anyway, he has an afro and his genitals… jesus, I almost called you direct when I thought of this…. His genitals have been replaced with a….

Boss: Cuttlefish.

Takahara: How’d you know?

Boss: I read the same comic books as you, shitbag. Listen, the negro thing is dynamite. Get me a new take on his genitals and I’d be happy to chat some more about this thing.


The Tuj: Uh, yeah.

Boss: Don’t fuck me, Tuj. You’re on my list, you shit eating pigfucker.

The Tuj: Sir?

Boss: Just fucking with you, hahahaha!

(Everyone starts laughing.)

Boss: What have you got?

The Tuj: A historical…

Boss:…don’t say…

The Tuj:…epic.

Boss: You said it. You said the ten million yen magic fuck you word. Shoot me. Shoot the fuck ME. Let’s hear it…

The Tuj: During the Takagawa Shogunate…

Boss: You’re a creep and a hack. Look, for once in your goddamn life, could you lay off the shit with the Takagawa mothefucking Shogunate.

The Tuj: Well, it was an important period of history…

Boss: BITCH! You think I don’t know that? I went to fucking Tokyo University! Where’d you go?

The Tuj: Um… Hitotsubashi.

Boss: Hito-motherfucking-tsubashi. How sweet. It makes it almost excusable that you think it’s a good idea to come into the most important meeting happening in the the NHK building today with MOTHERFUCKING TAKAGAWA SHOGUNATE BULLCRAP.

The Tuj: I’m… sorry.

Boss: Not as much as I am. Tell you what I’m going to do Tujimoto... because of my Kobe beef consumption I must have some kind of ENLARGED HEART.


I am going to take your bitchy little hand, and I am going to lead your useless mind to an idea: how’s about the ASHIKAGA SHOGUNATE…


…and it’s about bisexual samurai retainers. Ronin, or some such shit. Live, love, kill, blah. Now GET the FUCK out of this ROOM and WRITE, YOU MEWLING PUKE.

(The Tuj, shivering, stands up and bows, and scurries away. The door shuts behind him.)

Boss, with tears in his eyes, point to the shut door: That guy, that guy gets it. Jesus. I love The Tuj. Love. Anyway… (he claps his hands and goes back to scurrilous instantly )…SCHWARZTMAN. Speak.

Schwartzman (who is Japanese, despite the name): Sort of a game show reality thingie: "Ancestor Double Sunshine Bear Cave!!!!".

Boss: How many exclamation points?

Schwartzman: Four.

Boss (smile contentedly): Nice. Schwartzman always nails it.

Schwartzman bows.

Schwartzman: Get a big soundstage, maybe the one over where we shot "Mystery Caramel Clinic".

Boss: Not your best effort, Schwartzy.

Schwartzman: Well, we zigged when we should have zagged. It was too close the Sarin gas attacks I guess. People weren’t in the mood to watch people eating yakitori off electrified skewers.

Boss: Ancient history. Today’s about "Ancestor Double Sunshine Bear Cave!!!!".

Schwartzman: Right. So, we’re on this soundstage, balloons, giant day glo giant crawfish. An animatronic badger with massive swollen teats. You know, tasteful.

Boss: So far, I like.

Schwartzman: In the middle of the stage we have this old…whatchacallit…TELEX machine, with the scrolling paper?

Boss: Good.

Schwartzman: In each episode, a dumpy junior high school girl comes out. Host asks her a few questions: favorite food, if she’s virgin, cute stuff. She can barely speak because she's so shy. It's cute. They walk over to the TELEX machine. It’s starts clattering away.

Boss: Listen, I hope to FUCKING Amaterasu this shit is going somewhere.

Schwartzman: Hold on. The host says: “Little girl, there is some important news coming in….would you care to read it out loud?” And so the girl reads the TELEX… and it’s about a car accident, or a train wreck, or earthquake... changes week to week... in which the little girl’s grandparents DIE.

Boss: Christ. That’s some funny shit.

Schwartzman: So she’s crying. The host is giving her tissues, asking if she was really a good grandchild, blah. Maybe we get her to admit some minor chickenshit thing she did. Pee in the tub or something.

Boss: Awesome

Schwartzman: Then…BLAM. Her grandparents appear, they aren’t dead, the bastards are ALIVE. Everyone laughs. The little girl cries. Maybe the grandmother tells her she’s fat. Cute stuff.

Boss: Schwartzman.

Schwartzman: Yeah?

Boss: I love you.

Schwartzman (smiles): Oh, yeah?

Boss: I love you because you make my job so goddamn fantastic. Great meeting guys! Raises for everybody!

Seated group: Banzai!



Blogger G. said...

It took me 10 minutes to read because I was laughing so hard, I kept passing out on the floor.

Great stuff.

6:37 PM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Thanks, Toots. Get better. I'm sick. Ruby is sick. The wife is sick. Can we come to Halifax and be sick with you? We'll bring burritos.

7:52 PM  
Blogger G. said...

You'll always have a place to stay when you come bearing burritos...

6:34 AM  

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