Saturday, November 25, 2006

Uncle Steve Gets Busted

My brother Steve is a goof. He's older than me by a decade, and it's readily apparent to anyone who has spent anytime with him is he an oldest child. He assumes the mantle of arbitrary tyrant with a remarkable souciance. In other words, he's comfortable being an ass whenever it amuses him.

This past Halloween at a cookie decorating party at the house my incredibly talented baker sister, he made Ruby cry, teasing her that he was going to take her dollar, taking it much further than was appropriate for a five year old. Ruby, not one to pull punches, let him know he was being a jerk. Her auntie did a good job of comforting Ruby.

The incident has all the markings of an incipient family legend -- "The Halloween That Uncle Steve Made Ruby Cry."

We recently went back to my sister's house for another family function, and Steve seemed a bit chastened and Ruby's defenses were on high alert. They kinda had a little truce for the evening and played nicely together, the 47 year old and the 5 year old.

Despite the truce, however, Ruby didn't forget the Halloween debacle, and the whole 30 minute drive home, she kept mentioning her desire to get even with Uncle Steve. Ruby is a straight up grrrl.

I told my sister about Ruby's scheming in the car, and we laughed about it, and then I forgot the incident.

Now, fast forward to Thanksgiving, this past Thursday. I have Statcounter installed... it's a nifty little free service that tells you who visited your site, how they got there, their visit path, etc.

Spread out over hours on Thanksgiving, someone in Livermore, the very town where my brother lives searched obsessively across the site for blog entries that included the terms "Steve", "Brother", "Car", "Ruby". What a psycho!

The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your psycho bro is not alone, man. Bad Cat, you know him, checks my blog at least 3 times every day. Today, he was in 12 times! Hmmm... what up with that, eh??

Actually... he doesn't know I spy on visitors... and I don't want him to know. Check to see if he reads your blog, will you?! I'll give you his ISP offline!

8:44 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Ignoring the weird shit with your brother, I think Ruby is pretty cool. :)

6:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


All things considered, I would think it affirming that he was on your blog using ONLY those search terms...I think the last search terms that you brought to our attention contained the phrase "penis puppets."

It also sounds to me like your sister 'sings like a canary' as they say in those good old gangster flicks. I mean, if not for her, why would he even use those search terms?


7:00 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Just let me be clear here. My brother is a cool guy and everything and I like him.

Just so we're clear.

And Ruby is the coolest.

8:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Greg,
As a frequent visitor to your website, I was shocked at your tirade against your swell brother Steve. I really don't know him, but from what little I have read, he sounds like a genius, and handsome too. The world would be a better place if we had a few more brothers like Steve.

8:36 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

This Is Not Steve -- Thank you. It is always nice to hear from a totally impartial visitor. I've been seeing things the wrong way, clearly. Thank you again, impartial stranger.

10:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I get it--YOU'RE Steve, and you're anguishing over making your own daughter cry, so you created an alter ego to reach an emotional catharsis. As if someone named "Steve" could also be a genius and handsome. Once again Greg, your satire is excellent and I was almost sucked-in to your clever ruse.


10:24 AM  
Anonymous A Really Famous Psychologist said...

Dear Greg,
I have been an avid reader of your excellent blog for many years. I am a really famous psychologist who has won several Nobel prizes in many diverse categories, including Cooking! My signature dish is my Swiss cheese and mushroom fondue. Shattering! It seems to me that your unwarranted attacks on your kindly brother are you responding to the repressed erotic feelings that you have for him. These feelings clearly stem from the rejections of your many clumsy sexual advances that you made towards your mother. Keep up the good work!
A Loyal Fan

11:51 AM  
Anonymous A Really Famous Psychologist said...

Dear Greg,
Not only am I a rabid fan of your blog, but I am also a really famous psychologist. I have won five MacArthur Fellowships in a row and believe that I am the only Canadian to have done so. The MacArthur Fellowships are known by the name “Genius Grant” in my intellectual circles. I am the inventor of the “Fey-O-Meter” and hold several U.S. and international patents relating to the device. Recently, I ran your personal data through my machine and determined that on the patented “Fey Continuum,” you lie somewhere between Rip Taylor and Charles Nelson Reilly. In contrast, my results put me between John Wayne and George W Bush. I hope that this will be useful information for you. Keep up the good work.
A Rabid Fan

12:56 PM  
Anonymous A mattress salesperson of some reknowned said...

Dear Greg,

Mega fan, etc.

I'm writing re: your brother Steve. Perhaps unusually for someone in my line of work, I have a client with whom I have typically two transaction with in any given month. This client is your brother.

His incontinence has frankly has been a godsend for me, my colleagues and all our loved ones. The rising tide lifts all boats, especially on a sea of urea.

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Father Nikolai, a Russian Orthodox Priest said...

Gregori -- Are you well? I am a great admirer of your blogging. You are spoken well of here in the dioceses. My thoughts are with your brother, an excellent altar boy who served as a paradigm of the spirit of humility that we all can learn from.

The grace that he carried with him attending to the chores and the needs of Shurik the deacon behind the iconstasis was something that was frequently commented on by His Holiness, the Metropolitan. The delicacy by which Steven combed the perozhok crumbs and vizheega strands out of my admittedly matted beard was remarkable, as well as the artful way he applied wax to my expansive popashka in preparation for the annual Blessing of the Peaches rite showed, I believe, the presence of the Holy Spirit.

Please, be gentle unto him, our Steven, as he is one with the Spirit as well as Vladeka's one good tooth and the gums that surround it.

Yours in Christ

Atets Nikolai

5:18 PM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

G. -- I think you may be right. The idea of a "Steve" having the charm and pizzaz of someone like me, like Greg, is patently absurd.

5:20 PM  
Blogger Walking Spanish said...

wow- seems like you've either had a nice bump in readership or dearest brother steve has serious symptoms of scizophrenia. either way, 'tis truly entertaining.

9:06 AM  
Anonymous A Really Famous Psychologist said...

In spite of the fact that I am a really famous psychologist, I have enjoyed your delightful little blog for many years. I am an ardent fan. I am writing to you today to share some insight that I have had into your blog. Perhaps you could use my prodigious wisdom to vastly improve the content of your blog. My observation is that any post that you write about yourself (i.e. persistent bowel problems, erectile dysfunction, and your fear of your bi-curious nature) often yields no reader comments. Zero comments. Nada. As I am sure you know, I have been blessed with an extreme intellectual understanding of mathematics. I did win the Fields Medal (a really important Mathematics prize) for my discovery of what is commonly referred to as the “square-root.” It is therefore, with confidence, that I can pronounce to you that zero is a very small number indeed. Perhaps even amongst the very smallest of numbers. What strikes me is that your single post about your sensitive, and clearly brilliant, brother Steve has exploded the number of positive reader comments into the double digits! I do not feel like I need to paint the picture for you, as you seem like a reasonably intelligent lad. Keep up the good work!
-An Ardent Fan

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Your Japanese Host Father said...

私は私を覚えているが、私はあなたの日本のホストファミリーの父であるかどうか知らない。 私が英語を読むことができないが私は忠実にあなたの執筆に続いた。 私は大きいファンである。 私はあなたにあなたの現在の腸問題の作成の私の部分のための私の謝罪を提供するために今日書いている。 私が望むように、私である幾分小さい人覚えている。 私の心配はサイズから、頻度からない生じる。 あなたおよび私はウサギのようだった! 私は懐しい想い出のそれらの日に見る。 よい仕事を続けなさい!

11:41 AM  
Anonymous A Colleague of the "Famous" Pyschologist said...

I am a colleague -- former colleague -- of the "Famous" Pyschologist. We were part of a team studying abnormal psychology, of which I was leader and the aforementioned pyschologist was a graduate student. More of a mascot really. We'd send him out to get plaid labcoats and the such.

He started the program as a middling candidate, until the unfortunate incident of his being locked accidently into the observation/isolation unit with the subject, "Steve" over a long weekend.

"Steve" was without a doubt a huge creep, though he was talented in a fashion, managing to sculpt crude likenesses of nude male figures out of his own dung. He would then smash the figures and cry "like a little bitch" as it says in my notes.

Imagine our surprise when we came back that Tuesday morning, to find our graduate student was collaborating on an equestrian scuplture, again in dung, of what looked like the popular singer Meatloaf.

It was as a profound an example of Stockholm syndrome that one could imagine, although it is odd that the syndrome took such a hold on our graduate student, as this Steve character is particularly loathsome and without any redeeming qualities.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous A Really Famous Psychologist said...

Dear Greg,
I am an ardent fan, and a really famous psychologist to boot. I have lived with a long history of jealousy from others. My first recollection of jealousy was at age 3, when ruling as Emperor of Japan, I received my first Congressional Medal of Honor for bringing a successful conclusion to World War Two. The work that was mentioned earlier by my so-called colleague had to do with my mentoring of the little known Steven Hawkins. I successfully “sculpted” his outlets to mentor one of the most brilliant minds today in Cosmetology. He is now an extremely successful hairdresser. Keep up the good work!
-An Ardent Fan

9:29 PM  

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