Thursday, November 08, 2007

I'm calling you out, Harriet Klausner.

In your reign as the #1 reviewer at Amazon.com has been a little too smug, a little too righteous, a little too goddamn long.

Someone needs to stop you. And that someone is me. So some would say that the fact you've reviewed 15178 books means something, like you are too crazy and too focused to be taken down by a mope like me. Some would point to your claim of reading two books a day as evidence of some unworldly singlemindedness. Well, some people are bed wetting babies.

I'm taking your shit down, Harriet.

True, I've only posted 45 reviews, and you, like goddamn crazy maniac cat lady, have posted over fifteen thousand. And true, some of my reviews are for lesser stars in the Amazon universe, and some aren't what you'd call sincere.

But listen to me now, dollface, I've been only playing up until now. I'm the 10,693rd highest ranked reviewer, considering that's out of 75 BILLION customers, that's not too shabby. If I apply myself, there is no goddamn reason in creation that you won't feel my hot breath on your heels come April.

You make me angry, Harriet. Angry and driven.

I will not cease from mental fight, nor shall my keyboard sleep in my hand, till I have kicked Harriet's ass, on the fields of Amazon.com.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Crackpot Press said...

I'd be ready for more Death Threats.

10:05 PM  
Blogger kimananda said...

Oh, my. In my not able to work, study do anything without a visa early days in Denmark, I seriously considered taking her on, too, just to give me a goal. But unlike me, I believe you can actually do it.

7:53 AM  
Anonymous jenmoocat said...

One of the reasons that I love surfing through amazon is to read reviews.... I am looking for people to tell me about the tone of the book, whether the characters ring true or are simply cardboard cutouts, is the book unsatisfying at the end? Stuff like that. Harriet's reviews, for the most part, are simple plot outlines. Back-of-book blurbs. Someone should call her out on that. Seriously. I'd back you up. And anyway, do I want a self-professed "speed reader" to comment on the myriad of intricacies that need to align to make an outstanding work of fiction? Bleh. She pisses me off.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Jesse Wiedinmyer said...

Hmmmm, Mr. Mills. It's not looking so good...

Elementary, Mr. Mills

6:56 PM  
Blogger Chloe said...

do you really need to read books in order to review them? as a journalist i have been reviewing books and films i haven't read or seen for a living and nobody has complained so far.
Go Greg! You can beat Harriet.

5:19 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Good God.

7:54 PM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Does this mean you'll stop masturbating so often?

11:34 AM  

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