Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Nude Fat Man Eating Cookie Dough: Astride Destiny!!!!

Please, please, please don’t tell my mother, but....I think I have found a way to finally FLOURISH and INFLUENCE.

Explanation, thusly: I was in a muddle. The cats had been gassy and off their vat harvested meat product, and the cookie dough took on a taint due, I think, to the ambient moisture emanating from the barca-lounger. What a day, what a day, all day.

When I am blue, I resist “Are You Being Served?” as I feel I owe it to the ensemble players to be sharp and receptive. The tulle fog of funk that hung low near the shag clouded my joy receptors. Whoa.

The constant Stuka-like wail of Mater’s vacuuming could only further tinge the afternoon. If only I could look at a map at that moment, and retrace my steps to find were I had strayed from the sure path of glory.

So, I flicked and surfed the TV, desperate for respite from existence. And then, my god, my god, god, god...I found the solution. A documentary on the public television about something called the MACARTHUR FELLOWSHIP. They give millions of dollars to geniuses. Like me!

Internet...blah, blah....application, to whit, filled out, as it were:

Information regarding who will carry out the work:

Name of your organization (and acronym if commonly used):
Foundation for the Realization of the Perfection of Hominids by Way of A Dome-ed City (FFTROTROHBWOADC)

Name of parent organization, if any:
Am affliated with Olympic Video Rentals (member #4445)

Name of chief executive officer or person holding similar position :
Mr. Alex Trebek (Pending acceptance)

Organization’s address (and courier address if different)
PO Box 323
San Guano, CA

Organization’s phone number, fax number, and e-mail address, if any
Can be contact via

Web address, if any:

Name or topic of the proposed project or work to be done:
The Dome-ed City: Hominid Evolutionary Acceleration P.R.O.J.E.C.T.

A brief statement (two or three sentences) of the purpose and nature of the proposed work
To create and maintain a protected citadel where geniuses can spend their days reflecting and strategizing for a better tomorrow. Free sodas!

The significance of the issue addressed by the project and how it relates to a stated MacArthur program strategy:
Geniuses are held back by stupid idiots. This preserve would allow geniuses to be able to sit down and think for once, and also enjoy refering to maps and globes with their peer in a suitable stately environment. This is right up MacArthur’s alley!!!!

How the work will address the issue:
It is a large DOME-ED citadel. I can’t imagine you’d need more explanation than that. Perhaps one of your Fellows, possible one with a background in Science, maybe able to explain it to you.

How the issue relates to your organization, and why your organization is qualified to undertake the project:
The issue relates because I am genius and I am constantly held back by certain people that aren’t really all that bright. I am qualified because I am a genius. I’m confounded by the idiocy of the question, frankly.

Geographic area or country where the work will take place:
Am seeking a suitable extinct volcanic caldera.

Time period for which funding is requested:
Now until at least 2075, or until the current Monetary System is replaced, which ever come last.

Information about those who will be helped by and interested in the work and how you will communicate with them:
Geniuses will be helped by this project as well as any women we deem essential. I will communicate to them by decree.

Amount of funding requested from MacArthur and total cost (estimates are acceptable):
$700,000,000? $800,000,000?
I will leave the procurement issues to one of the accepted denizens of the Dome-ed, one with good money sense. Can credit be arranged? Do successful applicants get satin jackets?

So, easy-peasy. I should be out from under my mother’s petticoats by Labor Day! Today I mark that start of YEAR ZERO. I have to find some stamps.

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