Fred, a hotrodder

Ich bin ein pachuco.

Friendly friend Fred is a hot rodder. He has raised a lowly ’64 Beetle unto the realm of SWEETASS thanks to impudent arc welding and liberal application of mid 30’s Ford parts and the disk brakes of a 914. His Stink Bug is apparently a Grand National Roadster Show class winner. I’m sure that’s something very nice.

Meanwhile, I drive a 98 Honda Accord automatic, also pretty sweet. Especially the carseats. NICE.

So I thought I’d interview Fred about his ride, but he was cagey. “Just ask me weird stuff otherwise it’ll be boring” he said. I’d like to apologize for the results now. The Q & A follows…

G: Fred, I’ve been wondering about movie stars. Like, smiling
all the time must get tedious. At what point does smiling just become a straight muscle memory thing rather than an emotional response? Does Tom Hanks enjoy smiling?


F: I'm glad you asked this intrepid question. That is why you are my hero. Life has it's way of balancing out our actions. For every action, there is an equal reaction.

Now, for every smile Tom gives, there is a grimace.

Example:

Tom - Yes, I loved the Da Vinci Code too...

Tom - No, I will not do a Bosom Buddies Reunion...

I also think, because smiling is such an emotional action, sincerity
plays a big role the amount of fatigue experienced in serial smilers.
Think endorphin release when you get to shake the hand of a lovely lady
versus the amount of energy needed to control the fight-or-flight
mechanism while entertaining a certain Dick Cheney.

G: You own a sock-it-to-me type modified Volkswagen. (My father-in-law HATES Volkswagens, by the by. He’s a Ford man.) Did hot rodders in the sixties juice up Volkswagens, or is this some recent stoner thing? Do you smoke pot? Did you dodge the draft, too, you commie rat?

F: Homely cat ? No, I haven't seen any lately.

But, you zay zomesing about zisss . . VOLKSWAGON. YA ! It iz der
PEOPLES KAR ! YES ? No ? Even TODAY... I drive a nice Zpecimin to Verk.

G: Fred, why do you think Japanese culture created Sumo? Do you think those guys are studly, or are they simply counting on being big blubbery mountains to get the gig done?

F: Your cultural metaphors secrete me. What your really asking me here is if I would like to go see a movie with you, right ?

G: Fred, I can’t really grow in sideburns. Do you think
this would have affected my social standing in Victorian times?

F: I have to look deep into my magic HISTORICAL-RETORICAL Orb Globe...
Going back.... Back... back...
Oh dear... Your social standing seems to have / will / did remain..
ahem... sordid.

G: Can a modern ballet danseur get away with a juicy jete
for the sake of the jete these days, or do you think that postmodernism has rendered technical skill pointless?

F: pointless POINTLESS ??
You - of all people - The very mention of a single wasted movement,
a betrayal of all I feel about YOUR virtuoso performance last night !!
YOU, in the darkened theater - bursting effortlessly into the light -
as if you where the Michael Jordan of the AILES DE PIGEON.

G: I want a car stereo. Any suggestions?


F: Just make sure you get speakers. This time.

G: What’s your URL?

F: You are so nasty.


(Photo purloined from the VW Trends website. That is Fred, and that is the Stink Bug.)