Wednesday, June 21, 2006

25 Fun Facts about Teen Heart Throb Kim Jong Il !!!

Absolute Power in an Adorable Package!!

1. Kim Jong Il spends two hours a day standing in front of a mirror in wooly chaps and a large cowboy hat, practicing the English phrase “Howdy! I’m a cowpoke!”

2. Kim Jong Il respects Funkedelic, but thinks Parliament is straight up jam for getting the hos partying all retarded.

3. Kim Jong Il is in AA, and attends the meetings at Pyongyang Double Tree under the pseudonym of Freddy. He doesn’t actually go in. He sits outside in his ZiL limousine chugging Hennessey.

4. Kim Jong Il supported himself through Pyongyang University playing tambourine in a Jimmy Buffet coverband.

5. Kim Jong Il has a crack team of scientists working to get his cow to lactate chocolate milk.

6. Kim Jong Il is talking to the Jenny Craig people about helping his population eat right for once.

7. Kim Jong Il weeps whenever he hears 2 Live Crew’s “Me so horny”, because he is.

8. Britney Spears was all hot to lose her virginity to Kim Jong Il, but he gently explained that her maidenhead was her pillar of light. So they just dry humped.

9. Kim Jong Il is the baritone in the Old Time Pyongyang Barbershoppe Rascals Quartert. For performances, he wears Stalin’s actual Moustache.

10. Kim Jong Il feels that Woody Allen lost the thread on “Might Aphrodite” and told him as much in the steam room at New York’s famous Racquetball Club.

11. Kim Jong Il is largely silent of the issue of the essence of Christ’s nature in 5th Century Nestorianism, which is kind of odd, considering that was the subject of his Master’s Thesis.

12. The highest price ever paid for a Leroy Neiman painting in auction was US$2,000,000. It was a painting of Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz eating a piece of pie. The purchaser? Kim Jong Il, of course! Who’d you think?

13. Kim Jong Il is really super good at drawing princesses on hills with unicorns and rainbows.

14. In Politburo meeting, no one says shit until Kim Jong Il opens the meeting with a quick “Konichiwa, bitches” and a double flipped-bird.

15. To assuage the fears of the female portion of the North Korean population, Kim Jong Il received a Brazilian wax on live TV. He ate Rollos throughout the procedure, then got up and did the Electric Slide nude. The nation fell in love with Kim Jong Il all over again.

16. While taking a bubble bath, Kim Jong Il was reciting the L’Trimm joint, “We Like the Cars that Go Boom” as he scrubbed his corns with a loofah. (”We like the cars, the cars that go boom, We're Tigre and Bunny and we like the boom.” ) An aide overheard him and subsequently production of missile-launcher mounted trucks increased ten fold in the following months.

17. Kim Jong Il wishes Radio Pyongyang would please play something besides James fucking Blunt for five goddamn minutes.

18. At the end of 18 holes, Kim Jong Il likes nothing better than choking his caddy to death.

19. If his regime ever falls in the dustbin of history, Kim Jong Il can always fall back on his urinal sanitary cake empire.

20. Kim Jong Il fears only one man: Argentinean footballer
Diego Maradona. The Little Director will spontaneously urinate at the mention of Maradona’s name.

21. Kim Jong Il wonders when Hennessey is going to come out with a Summer cooler.

22. Kim Jong Il has dedicated the current five year plan to stamping out husbands who aren’t willing to let their ladies call the shots in the sack once in awhile. Also, he’d like to torture a bunch of people.

23. Kim Jong Il thinks to the best way to turn North Korea’s image around is to stop calling them concentration camps and start calling them Funk-a-tronic Git Down and Make Love camps

24. Kim Jong Il’s favorite card trick:

Needed materials:

Standard deck of Bicycle Cards
A concentration camp

Approach your mark. Shuffle the deck conspicuously

You: “Pick a card.”

Mark picks a card.

You: “Is your card a Nine of Clubs?”

Mark: “No”

You: “Wrong answer, fuck-o.”

Send mark to concentration camp.

25. Kim Jong Il has crabs.

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Blogger Chloe said...

who the hell is Kim Jong Il ?
here's another thing i didn't know.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Chloe -- Kim Jong Il is just the sexiest little dictator you've even set your eyes upon! He's the leader of North Korea, and he's very fond of Hennessey, tall blondes, and Italian cooking. He also wears lifts and kidnapped a South Korean film director and forced him to direct films in North Korea. Strange, awful little man.

Here's an article that'll give you an idea of how strange he is (and it's about food):

2:41 PM  
Blogger Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar said...

There you go, Hans Brix! How do you rike that, you fucking cocksucker?!

Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?! Werr fuck you! You want inspections?! Werr inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit!!

What? Do you think I'm some petty arms dearer? I'm pranning the attack! Congraturations, Team America! You have stopped nothing!

I'm so ronery. :)

You crack me up, dude.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Chloe said...

pizza with a filet of smoked goose, shrimp, bamboo shoots and bean sprouts? what a freak! do italians know? they should sue him.

3:21 PM  
Blogger G. said...

Kim Jon Il reminds me so much of my father...I'm getting teary...can someone get me a tissue?

3:38 PM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

M. -- Same same. Ha!

C. -- I dunno. Smoked goose might be okay. Shrimp might be okay. But bamboo shoots is pushing it. And what would happen to bean sprouts in a pizza oven? Makes no sense.

That was a funny and mildly depressing article.

G. -- Really? He reminds you of your dad? 'Cause he actually reminds me of... your MOM! (SNAP)

4:19 PM  
Blogger kimananda said...

And to think, just today I talked to someone about travel to North Korea. And the name of Kim Jong Il didn't come up once. Clearly we missed the essence of the North Korea Experience.

And this the second time this week that you've got me singing 'I'm so ronery'. I'm not sure whether to thank you or curse you. Maybe I should do both.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Kim Jong Il would love to have you over. There's a great graphic novel called "Pyongyang: A Journey in North Korea" by a Quebecer named Guy Delisle.

It's a funny (by way of depressing) diary of his stay supervising a crew of animators. Check it out if you can.

3:54 PM  

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