The problems with being a hopelessly obscure m.f.er

I get a lot of visitors looking for information on the Russian Orthodox diaconate.

Why? Because of this: Igor, the Retarded Russian Orthodox Deacon.

I'm even offended by it at this point, and I can't imagine most folks searching for information on Russian deacons share the same sense of humor I do.

I also get a lot of referrals from the search terms "Kim Jong Il" and, curiously, "Nude Fat Man".

I do love the goddamn internet so.

(PS -- 500th post.)

15 fun facts about teen dream Mark E. Smith!

Love comes in many shapes and colors. But true love comes in the shape of the fella that tops every teen’s list of Celebrity Cuddle Bugs, Mr. Mark E. Smith!

1. Mr. Smith wears Drakkar Noir exclusively, in exchange for a small promotional consideration from the fine people at Guy LaRouche.

2. Mark E. Smith is generally considered the greatest French kisser in the world, and has a UNESCO certificate to prove it.

3. The only Thomas Pynchon novel Mark E. Smith has attempted is
Gravity’s Rainbow (he has only made it page 53), even though he’s been playing chess by mail with Thomas Pynchon for years.

4. Mark E. Smith runs a finishing school for girls called Mrs-uh. Havesham’s-uh Finishing-uh School-uh for Girls School-um.

5. Mark E. Smith is partial to big bottoms.

6. Mark E. Smith is a world ranked orienteer.

7. Mark E. Smith was briefly considered for Burt Reynolds’s porn impresario character in Boogie Nights

8. Mark E. Smith is mentioned by name in the Tibetan Book of the Dead and the Popul Vuh, the sacred text of the Kiche people of Central America. Ironically, the Jazz Butcher song, “Southern Mark Smith” is entirely about some other dude.

9. Mark E. Smith played rhythm guitar on James Brown’s hit, “Lickin’ Stick”.

10. Mark E. Smith lives on the entire ninth floor of the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas, where he has special dispensation from the management to slap any guest that annoys him.

11. Mark E. Smith appear as James Bond in the film “On Her Majesty's Secret Service” under the screen name George Lazenby.

12. Mark E. Smith has a vestigial tail.

13. Mark E. Smith has Lemmy’s kidney, while Lemmy has Mr. Smith’s bone marrow.Thing is, neither were ill when the transplants happened. Hardcore!

14. Mark E. Smith insists that, while on tour, his band the Fall eat dinner together – WITH THE TV OFF -- like a normal goddamn family.

15. While you read this at work, Mark E. Smith is at your house, reading all your books and using your dirty clothes hamper as an ashtray.

Ringo's eyebrow

Concerning Ringo's right eyebrow: what gives?

Here it is in full bushy glory (Sgt. Pepper's era from the looks). It's nearly slavic in its mink-like silkiness.



Now witness this freakish Greta Garbo slash. (Abby Road? Later? Pre-shaved head anyway.)


Did the Maharishi demand Ringo's eyebrow in some dark heathen Hindoo ritual?

Did Lennon in a pique of cruelty demand Ringo's eyebrow as payment for staying in the band?

What it a PCP freak-out? "The... hairy worm...is eating...my brain... must gouge it out...with... drumstick..."

Googling "Ringo's Eyebrow" has raised more questions than answers. Mostly people asking what the hell is wrong with Ringo's eyebrow.

One incurious person on some Beatles fan forum even went so far as to say "Who cares? He's Ringo and that's all that matters."

Well maybe, goddamit, he isn't Ringo. Did you ever think of that? Ever hear of Mossad, you patsy?

Curious.

25 Fun Facts about Teen Heart Throb Kim Jong Il !!!

Absolute Power in an Adorable Package!!

1. Kim Jong Il spends two hours a day standing in front of a mirror in wooly chaps and a large cowboy hat, practicing the English phrase “Howdy! I’m a cowpoke!”

2. Kim Jong Il respects Funkedelic, but thinks Parliament is straight up jam for getting the hos partying all retarded.

3. Kim Jong Il is in AA, and attends the meetings at Pyongyang Double Tree under the pseudonym of Freddy. He doesn’t actually go in. He sits outside in his ZiL limousine chugging Hennessey.


4. Kim Jong Il supported himself through Pyongyang University playing tambourine in a Jimmy Buffet coverband.

5. Kim Jong Il has a crack team of scientists working to get his cow to lactate chocolate milk.

6. Kim Jong Il is talking to the Jenny Craig people about helping his population eat right for once.

7. Kim Jong Il weeps whenever he hears 2 Live Crew’s “Me so horny”, because he is.

8. Britney Spears was all hot to lose her virginity to Kim Jong Il, but he gently explained that her maidenhead was her pillar of light. So they just dry humped.

9. Kim Jong Il is the baritone in the Old Time Pyongyang Barbershoppe Rascals Quartert. For performances, he wears Stalin’s actual Moustache.

10. Kim Jong Il feels that Woody Allen lost the thread on “Might Aphrodite” and told him as much in the steam room at New York’s famous Racquetball Club.

11. Kim Jong Il is largely silent of the issue of the essence of Christ’s nature in 5th Century Nestorianism, which is kind of odd, considering that was the subject of his Master’s Thesis.

12. The highest price ever paid for a Leroy Neiman painting in auction was US$2,000,000. It was a painting of Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz eating a piece of pie. The purchaser? Kim Jong Il, of course! Who’d you think?

13. Kim Jong Il is really super good at drawing princesses on hills with unicorns and rainbows.

14. In Politburo meeting, no one says shit until Kim Jong Il opens the meeting with a quick “Konichiwa, bitches” and a double flipped-bird.

15. To assuage the fears of the female portion of the North Korean population, Kim Jong Il received a Brazilian wax on live TV. He ate Rollos throughout the procedure, then got up and did the Electric Slide nude. The nation fell in love with Kim Jong Il all over again.

16. While taking a bubble bath, Kim Jong Il was reciting the L’Trimm joint, “We Like the Cars that Go Boom” as he scrubbed his corns with a loofah. (”We like the cars, the cars that go boom, We're Tigre and Bunny and we like the boom.” ) An aide overheard him and subsequently production of missile-launcher mounted trucks increased ten fold in the following months.

17. Kim Jong Il wishes Radio Pyongyang would please play something besides James fucking Blunt for five goddamn minutes.

18. At the end of 18 holes, Kim Jong Il likes nothing better than choking his caddy to death.

19. If his regime ever falls in the dustbin of history, Kim Jong Il can always fall back on his urinal sanitary cake empire.

20. Kim Jong Il fears only one man: Argentinean footballer
Diego Maradona. The Little Director will spontaneously urinate at the mention of Maradona’s name.

21. Kim Jong Il wonders when Hennessey is going to come out with a Summer cooler.

22. Kim Jong Il has dedicated the current five year plan to stamping out husbands who aren’t willing to let their ladies call the shots in the sack once in awhile. Also, he’d like to torture a bunch of people.

23. Kim Jong Il thinks to the best way to turn North Korea’s image around is to stop calling them concentration camps and start calling them Funk-a-tronic Git Down and Make Love camps

24. Kim Jong Il’s favorite card trick:

Needed materials:

Standard deck of Bicycle Cards
A concentration camp

Approach your mark. Shuffle the deck conspicuously

You: “Pick a card.”

Mark picks a card.

You: “Is your card a Nine of Clubs?”

Mark: “No”

You: “Wrong answer, fuck-o.”

Send mark to concentration camp.

25. Kim Jong Il has crabs.

20 Fun Facts About Teen Heartthrob Udo Kier!!!!

Udo, I do-o!

1. In Tombstone, Arizona, the Town Too Tough To Die, Udo Kier was named “Honorary Chief Sexecutioner” by unanimous vote of the city council.

2. The musk of a civet-like gland located at the top Udo Kier’s gluteal crease is the secret ingredient in Honeycomb Farm’s Frozen Yogurt.

3. Like a bird, Udo Kier makes number one and number two out of one orifice.

4. Udo Kier’s tongue has a crude light sensing organ at its tip.

5. As a licensed Ombudsman, Udo Kier has been known to leave mid-orgy in order to provide equitable and objective advice to aggrieved parties.

6. Udo Kier’s tongue senses fear.

7. A yacht was found adrift off Corfu. It’s only occupant: a jabbering and blood soaked Udo Kier, wearing only mascara and a sailor’s cap.

8. In a word association exercise with his therapist, Udo Kier’s response to “butterfly” was “rubber pants”.

9. Udo Kier served with distinction as a comptroller in the US Coast Guard.

10. Using only a case of Krystal, Udo Kier put out a house fire, saving a family of six.

11. For every hit of nitrous sold anywhere in the world, Udo Kier receives around half a cent, US.

12. The nomads of the landlocked Gobi Desert have a word for “shark” and that word is “Udokier”

13. Udo Kier is the director of a Waldorf preschool in San Anselmo, California.

14. During the making of Spermula, Udo Kier picked up a lifelong passion for collecting Nagel prints.

15. Udo Kier’s perfect mouth has only one flaw: the small white scar on his upper lip where Betty White bit him.

16. The b-side of the Band-Aid single, “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” is three minutes of Udo Kier describing the deformities of a whore he had in Tangiers

17. Udo Kier is a Realtor® who is eager to help you find the house that suits your needs. He is also bisexual.

18. In “The Bodyguard”, all Whitney Houston’s dialogue was dubbed by Udo Kier. Udo Kier is very professional, so he’d probably deny if you asked him, but read the credits, it’s right there: Ms. Houston’s Dialogue……… Udo Kier

19. Like former Doobie Brother Jeffrey 'Skunk' Baxter, Udo Kier is a missile defense expert par excellence. The two often share a hotel room when providing testimony before the Defense Committee of the US Senate.

20. Udo Kier has had your Mom, and frankly, she creeped him out. Sorry you had to find out from a blog.

Facts about Lemmy I know in my heart are true, but cannot prove.

Lemmy is a titled lord. His formal name is Lord Lemmy, AOS (Ace of Spades).

Not to be outdone by Ozzy Osbourne’s infamous bat biting incident, Lemmy delivered a newborn foal from a piebald mare named Lizzie, at Knebworth ’83.

When Lemmy plays volleyball, his kneepads are replicas of World War I Prussian Officers Helmets, with the sweet ass spike on top and everything.

Lemmy is the official stud of the Royal Family, since most of the Windsor men have been maimed in various Polo accidents.

Sting credits the Motörhead album “Iron Fist” with inspiring his masterwork, “Ten Summoner’s Tales”.

The dots over the second o in Motörhead do not signify an umlaut. They are there to serve as a permanent memorial for Moonbeam and Widowmaker, Lemmy’s much loved dime store turtles who died in a tour bus crash on the way to Knebworth, ’83.

Lemmy wrote a well-respected bridge column for many years under the pen name Omar Sharif.

Lemmy maintains his own shadow cabinet, just in case British voters decide to stop mucking about and get some shit done for once.

Unique in the hair product industry, Lemmy has marketed a successful line of botanical crème rinses without once washing his own hair.

Knebworth ’83: a blind 14 year old boy’s life long dream is realized when he was introduced to Lemmy backstage. Twenty minutes later, he’s stone deaf. Lemmy just laughs.

Lemmy played organ for the Specials.

Lemmy carries his shaving kit in his foreskin. Actually, his foreskin IS his shaving kit.

Lemmy owns the patent to the fucking-hemi-demi-semi-quaver, a “64th note with balls”.

Whenever Lemmy buys a new computer keyboard, he has a special Death’s Head key custom installed. It doesn’t have any function other than looking fuckin’ balls out insane.

During his vocal warm-up exercises at Knebworth ’83, Lemmy spontaneously scatted what would become the Phil Collins’ hit, “Sussudio”. Collins, a Professional Cockney, has yet to admit his debt to Lemmy.

Knebworth ’83: during the solo of “Ace of Spades”, an agent of Satan spontaneously appears on stage. Lemmy rapes the bewildered hell spawn with a bottle of Beefeater’s. He then laughs. Lemmy does.

British Rail has a single armored train, stocked and at the ready, just in case Lemmy is forced to flee the capitol during wartime.

Lemmy is allowed to override the simultaneous translation headphones at the UN whenever he fucking wants. Why? Because, asshole, the album Overkill is a stone cold jam.

Lemmy has a switchblade made of human bones and lasers. He also has a gazebo.

Elvis died because he had the realization that, at that very moment, somewhere in the world, Motörhead was playing and fucking shit the fuck up. And then his heart exploded. When they found his body, his formerly lustrous black hair was snow white.

Knebworth, ’83: Lemmy gets locked in the dressing room. He plays solitaire quietly, while the tour-operators frantically try to track down a locksmith. On his Walkman, Cyndy Lauper is singing her heart out. “True Colors”. A single tear gentle makes a track down that weather beaten old cheek. He’s been chasing the memory of that moment ever since.

Poor Lemmy.

25 Fun Facts About Teen Dream Meatloaf !!!!

1. Due to copyright reasons, Meatloaf is know as Mr. Hot Dog Water in Taiwan.

2. In 1982, Meatloaf bought a sponge urinated on by Cheryl Tieggs from a private collector.

3.Meatloaf enjoys repeatedly grunting his own stage name, “Meatloaf”, during the physical act of love

4.Meatloaf holds a certificate in Unix Server Administration from the University of California Irvine Adult Learning Program

5. Meatloaf has declined to participate in 23 separate “Make A Wish Foundation” wishes. He’s waiting for one that feels right.

6.Meatloaf beat a hog to death with a shovel on a Brazilian TV variety show.

7. Meatloaf has the 2nd largest collection of dream catchers in the world.

8. Meatloaf will leave the room at the mention of Sheri Lewis and Lambchop.

9. Vaclav Havel credits a smuggled Czech language transcription of the “Bat Out of Hell” lyric sheet for his emotional survival in prison.

10. Meatloaf and Steve Perry routinely sing into each others mouths like Eskimos.

11. Once a year, a be-veiled Meatloaf lays a single white rose on the grave of Burt Convey.

12. Despite being a heterosexual, Meatloaf appears as the celebrity spokesperson for the Glory Hole Safety Project’s “Know What You’re Getting Into” campaign.

13. In his role as front man of Parliament Funkedelic, Meatloaf goes by the pseudonym “George Clinton”

14. Meatloaf has beaten the living crap out of Henry Rollins a total of four times.

15. Meatloaf is afraid of bees.

16. The last word to be uttered by Prince Rainier of Monaco was “Meatloaf”.

17. Meatloaf thinks PCP dealers are the scum of the earth.

18. Meatloaf prays to a giant Soviet surplus statue of Lenin. He knows it is only a statue, but he finds it helps him focus.

19. Meatloaf runs errands on a pennyfarthing bicycle.

20. Meatloaf molts in autumn.

21. Exposure to gamma radiation briefly transformed Meatloaf into a large pulsing orb of plasma. He is now sterile.

22. In a restaurant without a name in downtown Tokyo, Meatloaf regularly enjoys a steaming bowl of undifferentiated human embryonic stem cells over rice.

23. Meatloaf is working on a song cycle based on the Scott Biaio TV vehicle “Charles in Charge”.

24. The city government of London has developed a highly effective self esteem program for disadvantaged youth based on the life of Meatloaf.

25. Meatloaf angry. Meatloaf smash.