This is some horseshit thing from Facebook. Actually, it's pretty okay. You get "tagged" and you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. Only thing is more than one person tagged me, and because I enjoy needless guilt and anxiety over trivial things so darn more, I add more facts when more people tagged me -- BECAUSE I WANTED EVERYONE TO HAVE FRESH FACTS.
So I ended up with 50 facts. And, what the fuck, I'll make a blog entry. Hurray internet!
1. My wife was annoyed with me when we first met, then decided she liked me. Which is exactly the opposite of how my previous relationships worked.
2. My left hand can't rotate into a "slap me five" position. Makes it difficult to collect change at drive-thrus.
3. I won a ancient, feeble pony named Billy Blazer in a raffle when I was four. We kept him for all of two weeks. I was mostly scared of him.
4. I have auditioned for both Junior Tic-Tac-Dough and Jeopardy. I was too old for Junior Tic-Tac-Dough and I froze and smiled idiotically during the screen test portion of Jeopardy.
5. Christopher Guest once told me that I am a good straight man.
6. I am totally indifferent to the supposed charms of watching professional sports.
7. I was an exchange student in Japan in the summer of '87. I was in awe of the beer vending machines.
8. I got my driver's license at age 30. Funny story about that I'll tell you sometime.
9. I once miscalculated the distance between a conference center in Denver with the bus stop and ended up walking for about six hours.
10. I have been stung by a very wimpy jellyfish.
11. Got my wallet stolen in Heathrow, and as I was reporting it a kind and efficient Bobby, Stephen Hawking rode by.
12. I shook Gerald Ford's hand once.
13. I don't like having things draped over my face.
14. I once cut a tendon in my foot vacuuming.
15. In sixth grade, I got food poisoning and ended up vomiting at the crossing guard roller skating party. I handed in my badge that monday.
16. I wasn't entirely sure how my oldest sister was related to me until I was about six.
17. I recently found out that I'm part Swedish.
18. I used to wear karate pants to High School.
19. I inherited a huge and fabulous post card collection, which I subsequently tossed when I became old and respectable. I regret this act every day, though I suspect my wife is thankful it happened before we met.
20. My son invented a great joke: "Why did the turd cross the road? He wanted to go to the TURD sanctuary."
21. I can do a pretty good imitation of a water drop. (Sound imitation, just to be clear.)
22. I was very briefly a child star, doing impersonations at Sun Valley mall. I don't think I was that good, but I was paid, so who cares really?
23. It bothers me that I can read music only with great difficulty. And that I can't play guitar because of my gimp wrist.
24. I can't grow sideburns
25. I was once rolled by a mugger who jumped while I was barfing after drinking too much. Outside of Slim's. My friend Mark was befriended by skinheads who took us back to their apartment. That was a weird night.
26. If the stars are aligned just right, I am morbidly shy
27. I drink alcohol infrequently. It just doesn't come up that often.
28. Potted trees bum me out.
29. I like being near the ocean, because I always have a means of escaping in case giant ants come.
30. The best job I ever had was working in a bookstore.
31. I am a materialist, an empiricist, and a skeptic, though I try not to be an ass about it.
32. That said, I know that as a species we necessarily have a limited spectrum of things we CAN know about, so life is still mysterious and weird.
33. I wish I cooked more.
34. As crazy and f-upped as reality is, I like this world pretty okay.
35. My wife is having surgery soon, and I'm freaked out about it.
36. I am an orphan.
37. As a child, my family was possibly going to move to Saudi Arabia for my dad's work. It is hard to tell with my parents what was true vs. what was wishful thinking.
38. I saw Mao's Tomb, The Hermitage in St. Petersburg, ice bergs in Newfoundland, the Lake District, and the Berlin Wall all on someone else's dime.
39. I have distant cousins in Chile. (Not Nazis)
40. The more I think about, the more the notion of one generalized model of human belief and conduct being correct for everyone seems bizarre
41. Parenthood should be the most banal thing in the world, but man, it's not.
42. I'm comfortable with not talking to anyone for long stretches of time.
43. Marriage should be the most banal thing in the world, but man, it's not.
44. I liked Coraline more than I liked Slumdog Millionaire. There, I said it.
45. I have À la recherche du temps perdu-like prompting from very hoppy cheap beer. A can of Olympia beer I sprayed on the apple tree on the Fourth of July, 1976. I was 7.
46. Pickled herring is something I bought a lot of when I was a bachelor living on my own, and I would eat it with Akmak crackers and beer.
47. My wife, whom I love, once bought me a t-shirt featuring two unicorns making love, which I have never in public.
48. I once sat transfixed as John Doe performed "See You Later, Alligator" in a recording studio, while a small platoon of oblivious clients typed on their laptops the entire time. What is the goddamn point of existence people?
49. When I was 16, I went and saw Tom Wolfe talk and churlishly I asked him about Hunter S. Thompson, because I was 16.
50. I once interrupted an Alan Ginsburg poetry reading, and I don't really feel bad about it.
Labels: Blogist Twaddle