My strategy for weed eradication
Specifically a MacArthur Fellowship, the "genius grant". Below is my application. Weeds, beware. You've got the power of some serious grant money coming down hard on your weedy asses.
LETTER OF INQUIRY: COVER SHEET
In order to expedite the application process, it is important that following information is provided in your grant application.
Information regarding who will carry out the work
Someone, anyone, just not me. Note that a wide-brimmed hat will be provided to whomever you guys hook me up with.
Name of your organization (and acronym if commonly used)
757 Peralta Avenue. The green house on the corner with the weeds on the parking strips.
Name of parent organization, if any
Name of chief executive officer or person holding similar position
Me, Greg, though my wife Paula is sort of the eminence gris. Do yourself a favor by doing me a favor: send Paula a t-shirt or a hat or something.
Organization’s address (and courier address if different)
My god. For a organization for geniuses, you seem sort of thick. See above.
Organization’s phone number, fax number, and e-mail address, if any
Gregmills (is at) pacbell (smallish black point) net
Name and title of the principal contact person, if different from the above
Greg Mills. I am me.
Address (and courier address if different), phone number, and fax number of principal contact
Again, see above. (wtf?)
E-mail address of principal contact
I’m ignoring you now.
Web address, if any.
Name or topic of the proposed project or work to be done
My yard. (Weeding)
A brief statement (two or three sentences) of the purpose and nature of the proposed work
To remove weeds from my yard, so my neighbors might hate me less. In this sentence, my second, I would like to emphasize that we have a lot of fucking weeds, including these weird creeping Indiana Jones vines that give me the heebie jeebies.
The significance of the issue addressed by the project and how it relates to a stated MacArthur program strategy
I’m interested in the MacArthur Fellows Program, the one where you guys give money to geniuses to do whatever for five-years. In your program précis, you guys said something about exceptional merit and promise of continued creative work. In the creative vein, am willing to explore topiary or interesting creeping plants, though I’m not wild about trellises. Let’s have a dialogue about this, as I really want you guys to be comfortable about paying for my landscaping.
As for the merit of the work, I think having a nice yard that one can enjoy, a yard that minimizes the antagonism of the neighbors, is entirely merit worthy.
As far as the genius thing, I have read a sizable percentage of the Conan books, and I’m often asked to spell difficult words for coworkers. Good at Pictionary and Trivial Pursuit.
How the work will address the issue
Well, the work will address the issue by pulling a shitload of weeds. I see getting like three guys, giving ‘em gloves and telling ‘em to start pulling some fucking weeds. Then I’ll pay ‘em. If during the course of the weeding a natural leader emerges from those three, I’ll pay that guy to come back every week or so to keep the weeds in check. Maybe rip out some ivy while he’s at it. Ivy is a bitch.
How the issue relates to your organization, and why your organization is qualified to undertake the project
My organization is qualified, like, a lot. You should see the cattails! Looks a goddamn wheat field. Where the organization fails is in the area of will, as picking weeds sucks ass, and I’d rather read a book. That’s where you bastards come in.
Geographic area or country where the work will take place
Berkeley, California. Namely the parking strip facing Vicente avenue. The Beattius’ have had the patience of Job with us, and if it’s okay, I’d like to include a small gift for them, like a really nice bottle of wine. Something classy. You guys pick it. If it were up to me, I’d get them some kind of flavored vodka. Not so classy, you know?
Time period for which funding is requested
I’m guessing, I dunno, five years. Weeds are tenacious buggers. Unless we manage to unload the house on some other creeps. Then it’s not my problem.
Information about those who will be helped by and interested in the work and how you will communicate with them
The guys who’ll be picking the weeds will get a good hourly wage, (willing to go up to $15 an hour, depending on how forthcoming you are with the ducets) precisely so they’ll be interested in the work. Picking weeds sucks. I will be communicating with them through the dining room window, possibly via an electric megaphone.
The neighbors will hopefully get less angry overtime, though the weeds really are just the beginning. The engine block sitting in the driveway is also controversial, though out of the scope of this proposal.
Amount of funding requested from MacArthur and total cost (estimates are acceptable)
$2,000,000 and some rakes and gloves and hats and shit like that.
Labels: Trifles and Joshes