Wednesday, August 30, 2006

My strategy for weed eradication

I have weeds. But I am brain people, not brawn people. And the bright sun tinges me scarlet. So, being of a certain intelligence, I have taken the only recourse legitimatly open to me. I have applied for a grant.

Specifically a MacArthur Fellowship, the "genius grant". Below is my application. Weeds, beware. You've got the power of some serious grant money coming down hard on your weedy asses.

In order to expedite the application process, it is important that following information is provided in your grant application.

Information regarding who will carry out the work

Someone, anyone, just not me. Note that a wide-brimmed hat will be provided to whomever you guys hook me up with.

Name of your organization (and acronym if commonly used)

757 Peralta Avenue. The green house on the corner with the weeds on the parking strips.

Name of parent organization, if any


Name of chief executive officer or person holding similar position

Me, Greg, though my wife Paula is sort of the eminence gris. Do yourself a favor by doing me a favor: send Paula a t-shirt or a hat or something.

Organization’s address (and courier address if different)

My god. For a organization for geniuses, you seem sort of thick. See above.

Organization’s phone number, fax number, and e-mail address, if any

Gregmills (is at) pacbell (smallish black point) net

Name and title of the principal contact person, if different from the above

Greg Mills. I am me.

Address (and courier address if different), phone number, and fax number of principal contact

Again, see above. (wtf?)

E-mail address of principal contact

I’m ignoring you now.

Web address, if any.

Name or topic of the proposed project or work to be done

My yard. (Weeding)

A brief statement (two or three sentences) of the purpose and nature of the proposed work

To remove weeds from my yard, so my neighbors might hate me less. In this sentence, my second, I would like to emphasize that we have a lot of fucking weeds, including these weird creeping Indiana Jones vines that give me the heebie jeebies.

The significance of the issue addressed by the project and how it relates to a stated MacArthur program strategy

I’m interested in the MacArthur Fellows Program, the one where you guys give money to geniuses to do whatever for five-years. In your program précis, you guys said something about exceptional merit and promise of continued creative work. In the creative vein, am willing to explore topiary or interesting creeping plants, though I’m not wild about trellises. Let’s have a dialogue about this, as I really want you guys to be comfortable about paying for my landscaping.

As for the merit of the work, I think having a nice yard that one can enjoy, a yard that minimizes the antagonism of the neighbors, is entirely merit worthy.

As far as the genius thing, I have read a sizable percentage of the Conan books, and I’m often asked to spell difficult words for coworkers. Good at Pictionary and Trivial Pursuit.

How the work will address the issue

Well, the work will address the issue by pulling a shitload of weeds. I see getting like three guys, giving ‘em gloves and telling ‘em to start pulling some fucking weeds. Then I’ll pay ‘em. If during the course of the weeding a natural leader emerges from those three, I’ll pay that guy to come back every week or so to keep the weeds in check. Maybe rip out some ivy while he’s at it. Ivy is a bitch.

How the issue relates to your organization, and why your organization is qualified to undertake the project

My organization is qualified, like, a lot. You should see the cattails! Looks a goddamn wheat field. Where the organization fails is in the area of will, as picking weeds sucks ass, and I’d rather read a book. That’s where you bastards come in.

Geographic area or country where the work will take place

Berkeley, California. Namely the parking strip facing Vicente avenue. The Beattius’ have had the patience of Job with us, and if it’s okay, I’d like to include a small gift for them, like a really nice bottle of wine. Something classy. You guys pick it. If it were up to me, I’d get them some kind of flavored vodka. Not so classy, you know?

Time period for which funding is requested

I’m guessing, I dunno, five years. Weeds are tenacious buggers. Unless we manage to unload the house on some other creeps. Then it’s not my problem.

Information about those who will be helped by and interested in the work and how you will communicate with them

The guys who’ll be picking the weeds will get a good hourly wage, (willing to go up to $15 an hour, depending on how forthcoming you are with the ducets) precisely so they’ll be interested in the work. Picking weeds sucks. I will be communicating with them through the dining room window, possibly via an electric megaphone.
The neighbors will hopefully get less angry overtime, though the weeds really are just the beginning. The engine block sitting in the driveway is also controversial, though out of the scope of this proposal.

Amount of funding requested from MacArthur and total cost (estimates are acceptable)

$2,000,000 and some rakes and gloves and hats and shit like that.



Blogger G. said...

How can they possibly say no?

4:18 AM  
Blogger kimananda said...

Weeds are tenacious buggers, though, as you say...are you sure 5 years of funding will be enough?

And maybe you should mention what to do with the new weed-free space...for example, a specially built blogging compound? Home spa? Maybe a combination of the two.

7:05 AM  
Blogger Marion said...

Learned this morning that jewelweeed produces several million seeds per year. Thought I'm sharing this with you, just in case it comes to an interview.

3:53 AM  
Blogger Walking Spanish said...

jewel weed is also excellent remedy for another weed - poison ivy

as far as weeds in general, i usually encourage their growth, although they do have to be a member of the cannabis indica or sativa genus

4:44 PM  
Blogger Mickey said...

walking-thank you

is jimson related?

i forgot to look it up....

6:10 AM  
Blogger Walking Spanish said...

more info here

8:07 AM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Greg you friggin kill me. Hilarious! Two thumbs WAY up.

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Karen said...

This is very funny... I Googled Jewelweeed - mispell- and ended up here. Nice to see my altnature web site mentioned.

I know a lot about weeds, for instance people are always writing to me wanting to buy Jewelweed seeds so they can grow their own and not have to buy my remedies. So there may be a way to make money from your weeds like I do.
Any weed that is a medicinal plant (most are )can be harvested and sold; and seeds often bring a good price, like 50 seeds for 3.00. Prunella seed brings 500.00 a pound! Also I have sold pictures of weeds for up to 250.00 for a one time use in a magazine.
Not sure if you need to know all that, but just thought I'd drop my 2 cents worth and let you know there may be money in them there weeds.
Thank you for the laugh!

3:19 PM  

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