Saturday, November 29, 2008

Innocence, enemy of Tact

Kids are watching Shrek.

Ruby: "Dad, you remind me of Shrek."

Me: "Oh, yeah? Why?"

Ruby: "Well, Shrek is fat... but you're not fat."

Me: "I'm sorta fat."

Ruby: "No! No, you're not!"

Owen: "You're the best!"

Ruby: "Anyway, Shrek is ugly. But you're not ugly."

Me: "So, if I'm not fat and not ugly, what qualities do I have that reminds of Shrek?"

Ruby: "Other... things... that are part of his character."

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Oh, come on now. This is ridiculous.

I agree with aromatherapy insofar as smelling violets is usually more pleasant that smelling, say, solvent or the leavings of a cat who has eaten a lot of blue cheese. But beyond that, I'm not sure pleasant smells are effective as psilocybin or a gallon of red wine in enhancing a feller or gal's mood.

Anyway, put in me in the pleasant smell camp (though I like the smell of rubbing alcohol and gasoline (I LOVE rubbing alcohol. It's my favorite solvent. I clean the bathroom with it, soak my feet in it. Rubbing alcohol = the best ever).

Today I was cleaning the toilet and I used some fancy-yet-simple toilet cleaning product -- Mrs. Meyer's Lavender Scent Toilet Bowl Cleaner -- and, jesus, it was flogging it's AROMATHERAPY PROPERTIES.

The label reads: "For generations, the LAVENDER herb has been valued for its wonderful relaxing scent that's soothing, tranquilizing (!) and is believed to RELIEVE FATIGUE."

Does Mrs. Meyer know what people DO in toilets?

And how can it be TRANQUILIZING and RELIEVE FATIGUE?

"Zzzzzz... wha?....WHAT?... Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I dozed off crapping again. The powerful lavender aroma cuts right through my own piquant gassings and I was soon carried off by Somnus. I feel great though! "

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Here's some web-video-viral-ad thingies I made at work.

These are the product of a very funny day listening to very funny people improvise under the able direction of the very funny Michael Blieden and Matt Price.

video video video

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Saturday, November 08, 2008

Admonishments for young and old

Don't ever promise the neighbors you're going to stop your little welding project. You're not, so why lie?

Don't be offended when you find yourself seated by yourself at an otherwise empty table at a wedding. You probably have a problem too hideous to discuss. Enjoy the fact that you have friends that are willing to spare your feelings.

Don't stand up at work and shout "Eleven! Eleven is the winner!" unless you are croupier.

Don't bake crude reliefs of sexual organs into any meat loaf you plan to serve at any sort of function where pornographers might be attending. They like to get away from work just like anyone else.

If you have any children in your care, give them access to clean air and earth-like gravity.

If you have a supernumerary nipple, don't brag about it. No one likes a braggart.

If have a guest in your home that is ugly, affect a limp. That way they won't feel so bad about their rotten pig face.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

FUCKING GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT

FUCK! Fuckin' AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKER! FUCK! FUCKIN' GODDAMN!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GODDAMN!!!! GODDAMN!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ELECT A RETARD LIKE BUSH, THEN YOU TURN AROUND AND FUCKIN' PULL THIS AWESOME SHIT OFF!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!

SHIT!!!!!!!

Not to be a dick...

... but McCain's physiogamy gives me the willies. I know he can't help it, and I'm no looker, but he looks faded and tight, like a tired golem.

That's why I hate him.


Just kidding. I don't him. Didn't vote for him, but I don't hate him.

Not like that swine Stephen Hawking.

Strange and alarming ads on CNN

I don't watch the news on the Televisionic device, though when I travel for work, I turn it on in the morning to simulate humans in my lonely, pitiable hotel room.

And today especially, since today we are voting for a new King or Shogun or something here in the American Republic, and it is very exciting to hear blonde people talk about our soon-to-be enthroned Moon Emperor as I scrape gum off my jeans.

Anyway, I was in the bathroom, halfway listening to the large teethed chattering people. It was at this point I heard THIS LINE coming in from the other room, an ad of some kind:

"Don't you hate empty oxygen tanks?"

Yes I do.

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Sunday, November 02, 2008

Live blogging a sitcom I've never seen before, with the sound off, on an airplane.

*Neil Patrick Harris, the "At Band Camp" lady, the guy from that Sarah Marshall movie, and two swarthy guys are in a bar (one looks like johnny depp, the other guy has a moustache)
*Neil Patrick seems to be a douche bag
*Band Camp raises her eyebrows as Neil Patrick laughs at anecdote
*Flashback: Sarah Marhall guy is getting... electrolysis? Doctor/practitioner is attractive blond. Some sort of flirting is happening
*Cut back to bar. Sarah Marshall guy is talking. Is this a Regal Beagle/Central Perk-type hangout?
*Cut back to Doctor's office. Swarthy non-moustache guy is now there, wearing sun glasses. So is doctor.I have no idea why
*Cut back to bar. Swarthy non-moustache guy is telling story. Neil Patrick raises his eyebrow suggestively. Band camp girl laugh toothily.
*Now non-moustache guy is on.. date? w/ doctor. Is carrying patently fake flowers. Not sure if the fake flowers are a gag or just a poor choice by the prop guy
*They are on the stoop of a brownstone, laughing toothily. It is daylight. A cab pulls up, and they run down the stairs laughing hand in hand. Date is going well, from the looks of it.
*Cut back to bar. Non-moustache is gesturing wildly. Sarah Marshall guy is shaking his head with a smirky look on his face. What gives Sarah Marshall guy? Can't be happy for your newly depilitated chum?
*Cut back to the stoop. Non-moustache guy leaves the building with a wistful grin on his face. Flowers are gone. With the doctor no doubt. (Seriously, the flowers were bad. Like magician flowers)
*Now on the sidewalk, Non-moustache guy's smile fades and he looks up. A blond lady, not unattractive, walks up to him, smiling toothily. He looks dumbstruck. The girl talks to him.
*The credits roll.

Disappointed that Moustache guy didn't have a bigger role.