Tuesday, February 19, 2008

It's official.

These things are all now official. They showed up when I typed in “It’s Official” into Google. Please adjust your plans accordingly.

We are living in a new paradigm. The Officials have spoken.

Gwen Stefani is pregnant. Rebate Checks Are Coming. Sarah Palin Is America's Hottest Governor! A chimpanzee cannot be declared a person. TV Linked to Attention Deficit. Wolfie Is Back. Jennifer Lopez is almost ready to give birth. Postal delivery is as slow as snails, at least in Poland. Retail sales are in the toilet. 5 WPM Morse code requirement ends this Friday. Zane just registered for the plan b marathon. I’m one of those paranoid, overly dramatic people who convince themselves that the entire world is out to get them. Liz Strauss Says I’m an SOB. Xanadu's a Do! New Order have split. I have now witnessed the absolutely ludicrous. I'm going to be on the Today Show. I’m leaving Australia for an undetermined length of time. I'm sick of Facebook. I'm joining Microsoft! I'm switching to Safari 2. I'm Retiring. I’m addicted to cooking!! I’m SICK of the background music MSNBCTV has been using ALL DAY. Now I’m sad. I’m stupid too. I'm moving to Millersburg sometime after April of 20. I’m a fat ass. I’m growing a person! I’m a self-hating jew! I'm Going On the World Cruise. I'm Fashionable!!!!!! I'm a bore. I’m lonely… I’m pregnant!!!! I’m Wee Willy Wimp. I am "living in a fantasy land". I’m loaded. I'm in the 9's - on my first 1/4 mile pass with the new setup C3 Corvette - Technical/General. I’m moving to Ohio. I'm a sucker for cool videos. I am a complete twat.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Ethnic Confusion and Fun with the Mills Kids

As I've noted elsewhere, my wife and I don't share the same pigment. She's has darker skin, being of Mexican and Mediterranean extraction, while I have a complexion closer to Moby Dick, i.e. very white.

So Ruby is cursed with my Albion shade, and Owen's relative darkness is endless fascinating to her.

The result is odd conversation like this one that transpired today in the bathroom:

Ruby: "Owen, Abraham Lincoln saved your life."

Owen: "Why?"

Ruby: "He made you free, because he made dark people not be slaves."

Owen: "I'm not a slave, Ruby."

Ruby: "If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln, you wouldn't even be allow to live with us."

Ruby has been learning about the Civil Rights movement in school, and it's interesting to see her apply her new knowledge.

For example, she was sitting on the heater vent one cold morning a few weeks ago. Owen wanted a turn and since she had been sitting on it for most of the before school morning routine, it seemed fair that Owen got a shot at it. Plus he was dressed and she was still in her damn PJs.

Me: "Ruby, get up, Owen gets a now, okay?"

Ruby shakes her head with big soulful eyes.

Me: "C'mon, Ru."

Ruby: "I shall not be moved."


Sunday, February 03, 2008

Bastard of Art Commerce: Rarely Asked Questions

The official BOAAC RAQ

1. Do you ever microwave eggs?

No. Wait. No. I don't.

2. If I were to call you on the telephone, would you be willing to talk to me?

Yes, of course. Contact me via this blog with a prepared list of topics you’d like to cover in our conversation and I will let you know either through electronic means or post (include SASE) the topic I feel are suitable. At that point we can schedule a time in which we can communicate via telephone and/or TTY. All costs shall be assumed by you.

3. If I were to draw your picture, what would it look like, Greg?

If you’re hand is steady and true, that picture would look handsome, if a little distant, like I had something really powerfully deep going on in my mind, because I usually do. I would also be wearing a green shirt.

4. What celebrity are you the most disappointed in?

Stephen Hawkings.

5. Given the choice would you rather spend time with Godzilla or Gamera?

Gamera, because Godzilla would kill me. Not on purpose, because I don’t Godzilla thinks of people in personal terms, but he would probably destroy the building or subway train I was in, or step on me. From his films, I get the sense that Gamera is capable of empathy, though in his films that empathy is usually directed to a small chubby Japanese boy in a tartan baseball cap and very tight shorts.

Come to think of it, Gamera might just be a pervert.

6. Would you frightened if you came across a shark in the high desert?

No, because in all likelihood, that shark would be dead.

7. Do you store anything under your house?

If you mean gold and treasure and jewels and money, I don't. I store those things on my porch.

8. Are there plans in the works for a Bastard of Art and Commerce theme park?

Yes, as soon as I buy a rollercoaster. So far, Jerkland looks to be the heart of the thing.

9. Have you ever destroyed objects using only your acid reflux?

Yes, and I regret it every time I do it.

10. Do you have a website?

Yes. It can be found at http://bastardofaandc.blogspot.com


Four rubber doughnuts of death!!!!

At the market today, I was idly looking at my car tires and noticed two were one mystery brand and the other two were another brand that I had never, ever heard of. Then I realized I couldn't remember how I got them and when.

I am riding on four instances of unknown.

What the hell? What if they're made out of compressed laundry lint or something?


Saturday, February 02, 2008

I am Anonymous.

Over the years, I have been watching you, Five Star Video. Your smirking clerks; your unwillingness to knock down my late fees ; your idiosyncratic classics section; all of these things have caught my eye. With your latest crudely rendered dust erase board portrait of a hollywood star, the extent of your sort of halfassedness has become clear to me.

I have therefore decided that your organization should be destroyed. For the good of your followers, for the good of mankind--for the laughs--I shall systematically dismantle Five Star Video in its present form, probably by holding on to new releases for, like, days. I acknowledge you as a serious opponent, and I am prepared for a long, long campaign. You will not prevail forever. Your methods, hypocrisy, and the artlessness of your organization have sounded its death knell.

You cannot hide; you are next door to the tapas place.

I cannot be disregarded; I have just renewed my membership. Solely by the force of my williness to rent four kids movies at a time, with an occaisonal new release, which, perversely, I tend not to watch, I will inconveniance you in a manner of such mildness and inconsequence, that you will fail to notice my malicious and hostile campaign. If you want another name for your opponent, then call me "The Dude Who Has Rented Barbie: Fairytopia like thirty times" .

I am Anonymous.

I will be turning in "Muppets Treasure Island" a week late.

Expect me.

(An explanation by way of a youtube appears below:)

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Friday, February 01, 2008


Have you ever, in your professional life, had the experience of weaving out of panic a web of sloppy bullshit that you're sure everyone will spot as such, but then everyone turns around and thinks its brilliant?

And, in a fit of conscience, you say: "Really? Because there are holes here, here and here."

And everyone says: "No, no, all that doesn't matter. This is really, really good."

I'm not saying this has happened, but still.

Strange feeling.