Thursday, February 02, 2006

Facts about Lemmy I know in my heart are true, but cannot prove.

Lemmy is a titled lord. His formal name is Lord Lemmy, AOS (Ace of Spades).

Not to be outdone by Ozzy Osbourne’s infamous bat biting incident, Lemmy delivered a newborn foal from a piebald mare named Lizzie, at Knebworth ’83.

When Lemmy plays volleyball, his kneepads are replicas of World War I Prussian Officers Helmets, with the sweet ass spike on top and everything.

Lemmy is the official stud of the Royal Family, since most of the Windsor men have been maimed in various Polo accidents.

Sting credits the Motörhead album “Iron Fist” with inspiring his masterwork, “Ten Summoner’s Tales”.

The dots over the second o in Motörhead do not signify an umlaut. They are there to serve as a permanent memorial for Moonbeam and Widowmaker, Lemmy’s much loved dime store turtles who died in a tour bus crash on the way to Knebworth, ’83.

Lemmy wrote a well-respected bridge column for many years under the pen name Omar Sharif.

Lemmy maintains his own shadow cabinet, just in case British voters decide to stop mucking about and get some shit done for once.

Unique in the hair product industry, Lemmy has marketed a successful line of botanical crème rinses without once washing his own hair.

Knebworth ’83: a blind 14 year old boy’s life long dream is realized when he was introduced to Lemmy backstage. Twenty minutes later, he’s stone deaf. Lemmy just laughs.

Lemmy played organ for the Specials.

Lemmy carries his shaving kit in his foreskin. Actually, his foreskin IS his shaving kit.

Lemmy owns the patent to the fucking-hemi-demi-semi-quaver, a “64th note with balls”.

Whenever Lemmy buys a new computer keyboard, he has a special Death’s Head key custom installed. It doesn’t have any function other than looking fuckin’ balls out insane.

During his vocal warm-up exercises at Knebworth ’83, Lemmy spontaneously scatted what would become the Phil Collins’ hit, “Sussudio”. Collins, a Professional Cockney, has yet to admit his debt to Lemmy.

Knebworth ’83: during the solo of “Ace of Spades”, an agent of Satan spontaneously appears on stage. Lemmy rapes the bewildered hell spawn with a bottle of Beefeater’s. He then laughs. Lemmy does.

British Rail has a single armored train, stocked and at the ready, just in case Lemmy is forced to flee the capitol during wartime.

Lemmy is allowed to override the simultaneous translation headphones at the UN whenever he fucking wants. Why? Because, asshole, the album Overkill is a stone cold jam.

Lemmy has a switchblade made of human bones and lasers. He also has a gazebo.

Elvis died because he had the realization that, at that very moment, somewhere in the world, Motörhead was playing and fucking shit the fuck up. And then his heart exploded. When they found his body, his formerly lustrous black hair was snow white.

Knebworth, ’83: Lemmy gets locked in the dressing room. He plays solitaire quietly, while the tour-operators frantically try to track down a locksmith. On his Walkman, Cyndy Lauper is singing her heart out. “True Colors”. A single tear gentle makes a track down that weather beaten old cheek. He’s been chasing the memory of that moment ever since.

Poor Lemmy.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Hicksion said...

Lemmy also spent a short period of time ( 1979-81 ) married to an Italian dentist. Sadly, Raoul DiMarino ( Rome ) was more concerned with his work and Lemmy would often find himself alone on a dark evening watching the candle lit dinner he'd prepared getting cold as the candles slowly waned. In the divorce Mr DiMarino obtained their Milan home, while Lemmy kept their diamond encrusted cock ring.
It's a period of his life he rarely talks about.

12:34 AM  

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