Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The sort of blog post that make me hate blogs

I am shy, kind of painfully shy, occasionally glowing hot walnut-of-pain-my-stomach shy.

It’s frustrating and it has led to all sorts of painful Larry David sort of moments for me. I’ve walked miles rather than ask an acquaintance for a ride, I’ve been saddle with awkward purchases because the thought of going to a store to return something makes my face hot.

Shyness maybe too small of a word. I don’t get people a lot of the time, and I think shyness is the remembering being burnt.

It comes across, I’m sure, as arrogance sometimes. I don’t talk to other parents when I drop Ruby off at school (this morning I was quietly cursing that we were going to get to school two minutes early and thus I might be forced to stare at my shoes in the gaggle of parents, waiting for the gate to open) and chit chat is an effort for me.

Funny thing is, some people I manage not to be shy around when I first meet them. They give off something that says it’s okay for me to joke around and be effortless. And in cases like this, I can carry the conversation and be witty and a good listener and all that crap. But some people I can never get to that point with, or at least I know it’ll take some conscience effort on my part. I make this judgment in the first few moments of meeting someone and it’s a hurdle that is pretty much unconquerable on my part, even though I know it’s totally irrational.

I think I need to read someone as intelligent, or I clam up. Yes, I’m intimidated by dumb people. When I feel like I can get away with flitty conceptual nonsense, crap that causes TWITTERING and GIGGLING, I feel more comfortable. I don’t function well on the weather/work/clothes/small talk level, and it’s beyond me how people KEEP THAT SHIT GOING for more than a few minutes. Stuff like that makes me miserable.

Seriously, I think I fall somewhere closer to the Ausperger’s end of things than most people do. Sometimes I hate that I’m that way, other times I wouldn’t have any other way. Depends on the day.

Today I’m wishing I was a little closer to average.


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Blogger Nee said...

fuck it.

3:59 PM  
Blogger G. said...

Amen, brother.


4:59 PM  
Blogger kimananda said...

You seemed pretty conversational to me. And witty and a good listener and all that crap. Really. But then I'm one of those introverted creatures as well....

12:16 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

I get you :)

5:23 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Nee -- yes, well, I'll consider that.

G, K, S -- My spidey senses read you as chattable-type people. Maybe because you're all weirdos like me. And I mean that in the nicest, most affectionate way.

1:17 PM  

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