Things to do on set

1). Wonder if directors chairs fulfill a need, other than historic continuity.

2). Roam for wireless coverage.

3). Pretend you are on a stakeout, a stakeout that requires a staff of 30, including a caterer.

4). Work out bathroom strategies (30 people. One bathroom. One is forced to be thoughtful in such situations.)

5). Enthusiastically eat things that you'd never eat in real life, like chili-and-corn-chip surprise.

6). Wonder aloud why you've eaten more 3-star hotel breakfasts with your coworker than your wife.

7). Observe beard growth patterns of coworkers (male)

8). Work

9). Get the heebie-jeebies

10). Wonder how you can feel glazed and pasty 30 minutes after taking a shower

11). Giggle like a schoolboy when the toilet goes on the fritz

12). Fall in love with Facebook all over again.

13). Awkward acknowledge the wonderfulness of the actors on the way to the bathroom

14). Talk shit about people who aren't there

15). Silently assign snide nicknames to people who are guile-less and kind, and feel bad about it, and continue doing it

16). Eat

17). Wonder if the stains you feel are stains you can see

18). Compare notes on hotel rooms

19). Try to understand where in Los Angeles you are

20). Agree passionately about the desirability of neighborhoods you've never heard of

21). Wonder why Los Angeles has no points of reference that stick for you, other than the Hanna Barbera studios.

22). Marvel at the studied tightly undone insouciance of the fashionably dressed crew people, and realize that Berkeley is sort of far away

23). Marvel that the catering lady has the foresight to have celery on set. She knows, man, she knows.

24). Observe yourself in horror as you say something is funny without actually laughing. Has it come to this?