Monday, March 27, 2006

The 12 steps to reversing the 12 steps.

1. Your phoney-baloney piety is driving everyone apeshit. Lay off. And stop calling your sullen little ex-junky friends. They’re depressing as cancer. They're holding you back. Remember, you are a winner!

2. Ruben’s Dream fails to place in the 4th at Aquaduct. Once again, God lets you down. Like that enabler you are, you give him another chance. Sucker.

3. Tell the past to take a hike. Because since you’ve missing entire weekends from your past, what’s the point in trying to remember it?

4. Stand up for yourself and start pointing fingers. Makes the fools pay.

5. Make a list of all people that seem to hold a grudge against you, then let ‘em go. Sour grapes can ruin good wine. Or gin. Or Robitussen.

6. Amplify your personality, your charm, your party quotient. Know that if people can’t love you when you’re fun, then they certainly aren’t going lend you money later.

7. Play to your strengths. Eat a steak. Buy a car. Put it all down on Ruben’s Dream to place in the 4th at Aquaduct. Start flying your freak flag, superstar. People respect character.

8. Tell self-aggrandizing tales to strangers in bars. Leave long winded messages on your sponsor’s voicemail, detailing your weekend freebasing in Kate Moss’s pool cabana. Remind the miserable stiff what it’s like to LIVE. It's the best thing you could for him.

9. Jot down a few of your strengths, even imaginary ones. Especially the imaginary ones. Hang ‘em up on your bathroom mirror, and give yourself a sassy wink every morning, at least on the mornings when your eye isn’t a pulpy mottled mess.

10. Start taking back your will from a distant and impersonal Semitic tribal deity and turn your life over to the care of a woman called Bubbles you met outside a bail bonds office. Turn you life over to her care in fifteen minutes increments.

11. You pry your head lose from the dried vomit and blood that glues it down on the cool tile of the Mexican drunk tank, and croak “There is no God.” Once again the Federales beat you with their truncheons. Let ‘em. Because you've found your center and they can never take that away.

12. Everything is running smooth as silk and you are powerful and good looking and charming as hell and getting laid tons. There is nothing you can’t accomplish without your friends Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker. Congratulations! You are back and ready to animalize!



Anonymous karena said...

I think #10 is the most helpful.

7:57 PM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Yes, that Bubbles is quite a gal.

9:03 PM  
Blogger G. said...

Sorry, how does this differ from my weekend?

9:22 AM  

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