Monday, March 20, 2006

A Cultural History of Crotch Kicking in World Literature.

The Book of Job c. 11th Century BC
Satan smote Job with a dreadful disease, probably the leprosy, and Job, seated in ashes, scraps off the corruption with a potsherd. His wife incited him to "curse God, and die" but Job answered "Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" At which point Satan appears wearing tap shoes and giving Job a full goat stand to the sackage.

The Iliad of Homer c. 8th-7th Century BC
The Trojans employ a giant Megasakos to taunt the assembled Greek forces by slinging his large testicles (Homer writes that “His testes appear as if they were goats. Not goat testes, but actual fucking goats. He had big nuts.”) over the walls of the City, all the while bellowing “BIG SACK ATTACK”. This cause Achilles to sulk even more that usual, driving Patroclus to avenge his boyfriend by shooting an iron rod heated in a camp fire from a bow, slamming the giant in his nads.

The Canterbury Tales Geoffrey Chaucer c. 14th century
In the Fletcher’s Tale, the Fletchter is “bunged en thye tainte ageyn and ageyn” by an angry fishwife.

Journey to the West Wu Cheng'en. c. 1590
In this classic picaresque novel depicting the Monkey King’s adventures in the west, the Monkey King is confronts the Ogre of Seven Glands, who guards the Misty Lodestar Cave of Forgetting and Truth. The Ogre demands to know the Seven Sutras of the Free Balling Buddha. The Monkey King responds: “I’m not sure, but I think number three involves AN IRON GRAPPLING HOOK TO THE KNACKERS.” Ka-pow. Right in the various glands.

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding David Hume 1748
In this classic metatext on the nature of philosophy, the Scottish philosopher Hume writes:

“By the term impression, then, I mean all our more lively perceptions, when we hear, or see, or feel, or love, or hate, or desire, or will. Like if I kicked you repeatedly in your danglies. That, motherfucker, is a fucking impression.”

Lady Windermere’s Fan Oscar Wilde 1882
In Act II, Lord Augustus Lorton (aka "Tuppy"), a friend of Lord Windermere's, enters and pulls him aside to inquire about Mrs. Erlynne, with whom he is friendly. Lord Windermere, a gentleman, takes a fireplace poker and rams it full on into Tuppy’s scrotal tissues. At that point Lord Windermere utters the classic line: “I am no expert of Mrs. Erlynne’s doings. At least, not as much as you might be on the sensations of a ripped ball sac.”

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Mark Twain 1885
Huck admits to Jim that Jim “has an uncommon level head, for a nigger.” Jim then delivers a haymaker to Huck’s tender regions. Huck: “I was merely… OH GOD…BwwwwWWWWWWAAAARRRGGGH!” Huck vomit. Jim chuckles: “You got an uncommon sensitivity round yo’ gonads, you cracker piece of shit.”

Erblicken Sie! Das Golem hat ein shvantz des Eisens! (Behold! The Golem has an Iron Cock!) Anonymous. c.1905
In a play popular among the Yiddish speaking immigrants of New York, The Golem uses his Mystical Crotch of Iron to shield a Ukrainian Jewish settlement from maurauding Cossaks.

Ulysses James Joyce 1922
Stately Buck Mulligan gets it in the Yarbles repeatedly while shaving. He gets kicked by a Scotsman, a Welshman, and an Englishman. Despite his injuries, he then has sex with an Irish prostitute, who is also a Jew.

Lolita Vladimir Nabokov 1955
“Between the age limits of nine and fourteen there occur maidens who have an ability to render the crotch of their admirers a pulped and bloody blancmange, as I learned recently upon entering a local ice cream parlor.”

Tender Crotch: A Modern Myth of Getting It Good in the Breadbasket Carl Jung 1958
Jung traces the archetype of the Crotch Pummeler to crastration anxiety. He also wrote in his diary he once kicked a postal worker in the crotch, just to “get an erection”. Fucking sick Nazi sadist prick.

Bastard Swine Krotch Kommandos of Loathing Hunter S. Thompson 1972
In Crawdaddy issue from 1972, HST is beaten the jewels by Bull Fruits and Nazi Swine Flattop Road Cops. What most people assume is a Ralph Steadman calligraphic treatment of the article’s title is HST’s actually weiner offal.

Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back D. Irvin Kershner 1980
Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, clamps down hard of Admiral Piett’s nut bag and tugs. And I don’t mean Jedi shit either, I mean old school ungloved hand to nut sack tugging. Later, he does kick him in the oyster bed telepathically.

Glenngarry Glen Ross David Mamet 1992
The entire third act consists of two real estate men kicking each other in the Netherlands and calling each other “fuckin' faggot cunt.” Great stuff.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar said...

i've read four of the books mentioned. five, if that includes watching the star wars film version. is that good enough? :)

1:04 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

That's good enough for me. But who am I, some kind of expert on taste?

Since three are made up, you are some kind of literate bastard.

12:14 PM  

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