Sunday, April 02, 2006

Existence is Gay.

1. It has been raining for a month straight.
1b. It's supposed to go another two weeks.
1c. Rain means no park. No park means lots and lots of TV for the kiddies.
1d. Consecutive airing of "Ed, Edd, and Eddie" cause stupification
1e. No rain also means kiddies are in close proximity for a long time. Fight like curs.

2. We are 80 grand in debt
2b. I work like a bastard and make decent money. Where does it go?
2c. Wife is starting her own business. Hence no money.

3. Wife is sick.
3b. Strep
3c. A girlish complaint that manifests itself in dire ways. Consider yourself smiled upon that the details are not revealed here.
3d. Computer system is down at doctor's, so wife cannot find out if her culture was positive.
3e. Without positive culture, cannot get antibotics.
3f. Causes wife to fret in a dramatic manner.
3g. Wife fretting causes me stress

4. 3 year old son is sick, maybe.
4b. Has strep-like symptom.
4c. Would be third time this month he has strep.
4d. In the second go around, he had strep of the butthole. The doctor actually said: "Looks like Owen has strep of the butthole."
4e. Wife is panicked, as Owen has had fever induced seizures as an infant. While not dangerous, sucks ass to the 10th power.

(Note: Fatherly intuition, which is something different from Motherly intuition, is suggesting that the boy merely has a cold.)

5. Car is broke.
5b. Need two cars
5c. Wife, visiting doctor for her alarming girlish complaint, feels faint as she battling Strep and girlish complaint. Has only car. Needs two friends to come rescue her. (One to drive wife. One to drive car.
5d. It's the transmission. $$$

6. There is no food in the house
6b. Because Wife is sick, must take two fruits of my loins to the market solo.
6c. Thought of which causes distress in my GI tract.

7. The West is decline.
7b. The US has entered into its decandent phase. Bummer.
7c. Mediocrity rules the day.
7d. Am surrounded by nincompoops.

8. Am bored with self.
8b. Because self is boring.

So, QED: Existence is Gay.

(Postscript: My daughter Ruby is being a trooper. And I have joined a posse in Malaysia, which is nice. I also have a MySpace page, which is sort of cool, in a gayish way.)

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Blogger Jack P Toerson said...

This pretty much puts my problems in perspective. Vicious. I'll have a drink to your health next Friday ;-).

7:04 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Ah, hell. I whine. Meanwhile somewhere someone's favorite organ is turning black and falling off. Along the continuum of problems, mine are minor. Though they do make my stomach hurt.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Hicksion said...

Peep Peep!

Vroom, vroom, vroom...brrrrrrrrr, BRRRRRRRR!! ( fades off into distance )

4:52 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

(Comes running out of the house in cut off shorts and a stripy too small t-shirt, carrying a BAG of FUDGE.)

"Cool...hey, my mom made us FUDGE. It doesn't have nuts, 'cause nuts....
(Car peels out)...make me... gassy? HEY! Come back fellas!"

(Runs back into house sobbing)

10:39 AM  
Anonymous Posh said...

Hi, Posh here from South Africa.

Not sure how I landed on this page.
Couldn't help reading a bit about your woes.

I think you have just had a long winter.

South Africa has some lovely sunshine which would perhaps be super for you and your family.

I taped a Bee Gees song for my husband the other day.
This might cheer you up:

I wrote this piece (published) about someone I once knew.

Looking For Lunar:

The needle bank is busy on Mondays, and I watch for Lunar.
He turns the corner, thinner and colder, and it is only autumn.
I imagine shampooing his hair and finding a strawberry blonde beneath all those colours.
He hands me his used needles as if they are flowers and not a measure of his life.
I patch an abscess on his arm for he has run out of veins, and he stutters a thank you.
Once, when he could concentrate, he told me his twin took the other half of his voice.
I issue him new needles and reach for my coat.
It fits him and I am not surprised.

"For the trenches," I say.

(Copyright 2001)

10:52 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Thanks, Posh. The sun is peaking through today.

Equilibrium may make an appearance today. I should fat, sleek, and sassy as an otter by tomorrow morning.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Crackpot Press said...

Wow Greg...

Fudge turns me off now...

Thanks for helping your diabetic pal.

12:34 AM  
Blogger G. said...

I think this is the existential dilemma that Camus and to a lesser extent Sartre, talk about, particularly 4d.

4:49 AM  
Blogger How I Died Today said...

you should go on the Oprah debt diet

1:59 PM  

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