Thursday, October 26, 2006

Questions. From New York City.

Why do New Yorkers tolerate such swillish coffee? Can everyone in one of the largest cities in the world be better dressed than me, including small children? Is the shambling comic book dork community that attractive women go to comic book shops in New York City? How is it that every neighborhood in New York is the NEXT BIG THING? You are playing music at a venue in Williamsburg where I have paid five dollars to listen to you play music, why do you have to be such a whining pile of suck ass? (That’s just the first “band”, Falcon and English Department were really, super good.)Could the main branch of the New York Public Library be somehow baked into a pie so I can eat the fucking thing? Could we just get some more goddamn parks in here? Huh? Do hotel maids sense nudity? If you are the cab driver that drove me in from JFK, could you send me the phone number of your dealer? Because you were in a place that I’d like to visit one day. If I go to an 11:45 pm showing of “The Departed” in Times Square on a Sunday night, how can the next showing be sold out? I mean what do these people do during the day? How many suicides have been attempted by employees of the Times Square Toys R Us? That place is a goddamn nightmare! It’s a smurf’s BDSM dungeon. Why, at one point, did I freakily and involuntarily pronounce “hot dog” as “Hooawt Dawg” to a startled vendor? Is it possible I am a New Yorker trapped in a Californian’s body? How long can the “Lion King” possibly run?

These are my questions. Puzzling.

Postscript -- Am annoyed I didn't get a chance to meet up with blog friend Walking Spanish. It would have been my first blog-meatspace crossover. Dammit. I've heard your first time is magical.

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12 Comments:

Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Thanks for this story, I laughed my head off. You are funny when you're mad. I have freakily and involuntarily pronounced words in the local dialect when traveling, but that is a good one. I really do not like visiting the Big Apple, but your cab driver sounds interesting.

7:06 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Thanks pursey.

I like the name Pursey. Pursey...

When Walker bags were first becoming popular, I sent an email to the company suggesting they call the bags Walker Purseys, but they never wrote back.

Walker Percy? Walker Pursey? See?

I'm giving you fucking gold.

10:28 AM  
Blogger G. said...

Greg, I've heard that blog-metaspace crossovers risk imploding the space-time continuum. I heard it from a cabby...your cabby. And yes, it was good.


G.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

G. -- Dude, you used meta. Gotta stop reading French people.

8:56 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Thanks for the gold, but in order to really appreciate it I will have to read some Walker Percy first.

That Walker bag company should have listened to you, but the golden age of using the public to help with jingles and slogans ended.

Glad you like the name Pursey.

8:21 AM  
Blogger Hicksion said...

I'm on cloud nine... why shouldn't I be?

Feel my Close but no Cigar blog..

Oh fuck I'm so drunk I can barely type.. hehehe, It's all good.!!

9:28 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

you are awesome and if San Francisco were closer I would have you over for beers and hawt dawgs

9:43 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

P.T. -- Walker Percy is a hoot if you're into feeling dismal. And I think the Walker Pursey transend mere sloganeering. It approaches the infinite.

Hicksion -- Drink some water. And congratulations!

Stephanie -- You said Awesome. You can take the girl out of North America, but you can't take the North America out of the girl. Beers and hawt dawgs sound lovely, but can proper bratwursts be found in Brighton? Thanks for saying I'm awesome. You are too.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Thank you, Greg. :) You can get a good hot dog in Brighton on the pier, but a proper bratwurst is harder to come by. Still, the hot dog would come with fair ground rides, a bit of Brighton rock candy and a dose of rock n roll. Not bad, eh?

2:44 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Walker Pursey heads towards the infinite, my what a physics thingie that is.

Dear, I'll try some Walker Percy, but I can usually conjure up some dismal without the aid of outside sources! I'll see if I like his own special brand of dismal.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Walking Spanish said...

Mr Mills - Allow me to answer some of these questions you have about our fair city, as I too am sorry we couldn't coordinate our first time magic. I guess that's something for another time. Anyway, the swill coffee thing is more a matter of convenience and principle for me. (yeah, i know you're thinking what the hell is an ad guy doing with principle) f___ starbucks and the like, i'd just as soon patronize some small grimy cart or deli than feed the coffers of the machine that is the 'bucks - also gourmet shops aside from those are often not located as conveniently. Clothing: You didn't even travel to park slope brooklyn where entire families are hipper and slicker than any one you'd see on The O.C. or the like ( i know i'm setting myself up fror some abuse here)
Comic Shops: I personally have rarely seen an attractive woman on comic book store adventures unless they're the MILF of some kid cashing in on his gold stars. NEXT big thing: Theyre running out of next big things so they recycle the ones from the 80's again since they are now beginning to degrade due to cheap construction materials and bad remodeling. Can't help you with the Library Pie, but the smell might be something worthy of an auto air freshener. Parks: before central park, city planners realized the disaster they created by not planning for any parks, which is why the few that are there were afterthoughts. The Right hotel maids sensing nudity could add to your travel adventures. Sold Out: i think they put that sign there to make you feel good about spending that outrageous amount of money on the show. Suicides: If you look at the lower level below the ferris wheel you'll see thick padding, so now jumpers will have a soft landing and counseling. by ordering the "hooowt dawg", you have spoken in code to the vendor, and gotten yourself one of the fresher dogs floating in that dirty water. Lion King will live longer than Cats did.

9:34 AM  
Blogger Greg Mills said...

Walking Spanish -- Thank you. I knew I could count on you.

12:07 PM  

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