Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Complete CV w/ Life Lessons

Paperboy
*People in nicer houses tend not to tip and are more likely to lie.
*The newspaper boy’s lot is not unlike that of the sharecropper’s
*Deer are not potential pets
*There’s plenty of room in the dumpster behind the gas station for those heavy Sunday inserts


Mowing lawns for old people
*People are fussy about their lawns.
*Old people are really fussy about their lawns
*People who are fussy about their lawns are also tightwads
*Weed killer is an uniquely flexiable tool for revenge

Picking up golfballs at the old people community
*Old people have surprisingly good aim
*Old people complain that golf ball picker upper scare off pretty geese
*Old people complain about goose crap endlessly to teenager that have no influence over the GI tracks of geese
*Middle-aged men who manage golf-ball picker uppers are very angry
*Running away from destroyed speciality equipment is sometimes the only reasonable course of action

Vacuuming a department store at 4:00 am Saturdays and Sundays
*Large department stores don’t scruntinize the punch-in and punch-out times of housekeeping crews too closely
*Having a boss with a mental handicap requires patience and a well-developed sense of irony
*Sobriety rarely impedes the successful operation of a vacuum
*Department store inventory control is wonderfully lax at 4:00 in the goddamn morning.
*At 4:00 am, the constabulary is profoundly curious about comings and goings of a large black ’69 Cadillac Calais with large orange dayglows skulls spraypainted on the side

Deli clerk
*When you spill a full mop bucket in the cat food aisle, you become hyper aware of the passage of time
*Pickle brine stings
*You tend to learn the price per pound of various sandwich meats very quickly when your boss threaten to shove your face into the display case “to read the goddamn price up close”
*Older men, bosses in particular, should wear belts
*If you plan on going out for the evening after handling sandwich meats, shower


Video clerk – large chain video/music store
*The large chain video/music store is a bottomless fount of vileness
*The large chain video/music store is aggressively clueless about anything cool or interesting
*When the large chain video/music store says your break is fifteen minutes long, you must on principle take an eighteen minute break
*Petty professional jealousy is often fiercest among people required to wear nametags
*Manage smokes as much, if not more, weed than you do
*Stocking the shelves is a wonderful way to pass an afternoon, though not in the porn section. That’s just creepy.
*Inventory control is surpisingly lax at large chain video/music stores
*Evil is real

Department Store Café Worker
*A department store café is not a real resturant
*If you work in an environment where you have to watch any sort of instructional video in a small beige office, you know you’re in for an existentail hellride.
*When you are told in a job interview you have to wear a tie, the job in question rarely pays enough for you to afford to buy a tie
*Toadies are not management
*”Chefs” at Department Store Cafés are angry drunks

Frozen yogurt slinger/barrista
*If you must stare at your boss’s bleeding hairplugs, do it indirectly, via reflective surfaces
*Suburban-type moms don’t appreciate Black Sabbath as much as you do
*Giving free lattes to the hot-looking professional woman ten years your senior aint going to get you nothin’
*The milk is the perfect temperature when the bottom of the metal carafe is warm to the touch (this is actually true)
* Massive daily intake of free frozen yogurt does weird things to your digestion

Video Clerk -- small Mom and Pop shop
*after establishing a repore, you can convince the owner of a small video store to stock any kind of weird crap you can think of if you know what you’re talking about
*Small Mom and Pop video stores have suprisingly lax inventory control systems
*You can be an effete snob and only make five bucks an hour
*Old people are angry at technology
*Jacques Tati is pretty good
*People will believe anything you say if you throw enough technical jibberish at them
* People really do like good movies
*Rutger Hauer was once a pretty big deal in Holland
*Making out with coworker in the toilet, while not the responsible thing to do, is the hot thing to do

After-school care/Summer school day-camp, uh, guy
*Sometimes daycare directors have a little problem with Bolivian Marching Powder and they have to take some time off, like, very abruptly
*”Free paint” is a half-assed activity that may seem like an easy out, but is actually more trouble than it’s worth
*Evil kids become evil adults
*The parents who are late picking up their kids are always late picking up their kids
*Kindergarten enrollement does not mean a child is potty-trained
*Flushing a jump rope is bad for the toilet
*Making disparaging remarks about a parent to a particular vile pair of twins on the last day of one’s employment, while not “right”, is quite “enjoyable”

Live-in Au Pair
*Hanging out at the pool everyday, comparing professional notes with hot chicks from New Zealand is not a bad row to hoe
*Coming back from vacation to find that the dad holed-up in your little cabin in the back of the house after a coke-and-prostitute binge can lead to some awkward questions from your wards
*If one of the kids (the five year old) takes off to the creek, make sure he clears in with you first
*Dude, get a real job

Clerk – Independent community bookstore
*Working in a good bookstore is awesome
*Regular customers are very proprietary of their favorite section
*Hipsters all read the same transgressive crap
*Hanging with crazy, gabby old guys is awesome
*Live music at a bookstore is usually bad
*Don’t show up with a sunburn after calling in sick
*Lots of people hang out all day
*Stocking books is a relaxing way to spend an afternoon
*Independent community bookstores have surprisingly lax inventory control systems

Hanging out with Japanese Exchange Students
*Japanese Exchange Students don’t listen to instructions
*Japanese Exchange Students want to shop
*Japanese Exchange Student are scared of me

Assistant – Toddler Art Program
*Three year-olds are fun to hang out with
*Three year-olds rarely give you shit
*If a three year-old DOES give you shit, it’s sort of cool
*Asking a three year-old to help pour juice will make that three year-old’s day

Sander – Faux Texture Wall Painting Class
*This is the weirdest job you will ever have
*Sanding drywall is pleasant when you’re mildly high
*Muncipal art programs are the nurseries of the surreal

Clerk – Corportate Chain Bookstore
*I really have a hardtime learning lessons
* There are people working in bookshops who have to ask, “Is London the country? Or is England the country?”
*Ties are the devil’s instestines
*There are bookstores in the world that are suspicious of books
* Corporate Chain Bookstore have surprisingly lax inventory control systems
*Quiting your crappy job over the phone on New Year’s Eve so you can go party is a really great feeling, especially when the manager tells you “I wish I had the balls, man.”


Receptionist – Publishing company
*”Breezing in any old time” is not really a good habit for a receptionist
*The warehouse guys downstairs usually are good for a few laughs
* Don’t get stuck sitting next to Dave the warehouse guy at company function, because he’s a drunk
*Distribution people are no-bullshit and kind of scary.

Editor – Publishing company
*Don’t date coworkers
*The cartography guys on the other side of the room usaully are good for a few laughs
*Learn to distinguish between“fun” laughter and “nervous” laughter
*Publishing is not a good field for people that want to write
*People get weird about music is an open floor environment
*Jesus, publishing people need to lighten up
*Iquanas smell

Copywriter – Small regional agency not in California
*California is sort of despised by a lot of people
*Drunks are hard to work for
*If someone asks you to write a press release, say “no”
*Being fired can be a good thing. The best thing, really

Copywriter – Big regional agency in California
*Being around lots of people your own age when you’re in your twenties is fun
*Sometimes, psychedelics can help one’s professional progress
*Date your coworkers
*Ask dumb questions discreetly
*Learn to recognise when your creative director is merely indulging your idiocy
*Xanax can be recreational

Copywriter – “Hot” interactive shop
*Christ, the internet is boring
*Bosses really do throw stuff
*The less desireable the vendor, the more they want to give you free crap
*Successful corporations are often full of breathtakingly stupid people
*The 90s were a crock

Copywriter – Dowdy musty giant international agency
*Feh

Copywriter – Less Dowdy, less musty giant international agency
*LA is fun
*So is New York
*Smartassness can be rewarding
*600 people is a shitload of people
*Looking out the window can be tiring
*Advertising is sort of dumb
*But I think I already knew that

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1 Comments:

Blogger ren.kat said...

"*Petty professional jealousy is often fiercest among people required to wear nametags"

You need to write THE book. Then move to Delphi. I'd come.

1:13 PM  

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