Sunday, June 08, 2008

The web is a powerful collaboration tool for spazzes

A couple of years ago, blog chum Jack P. Toerson linked to the singular Mr. Baldo Has A Blog Now, a blog marketing the wonderful and spurious Mr. Baldo's Shiny Wax For Balds -- Now with Phlogiston®.

Well, Jack P. and I were possibly the only readers of this blog, and we both contributed a few jingles does in the style of various popular tunes. I visited the blog today, and it seems that sadly, Mr Baldo's blog has not updated since 2006.

Since it doesn't seem like a working concern, I thought I'd better grab my "work" before it disintegrated into dead photons. The web is filled with the ephemeral crap! Yay, the Web!

Here are the songs:

(To the tune of Back in Black)

Baldo Bald™, I hit the wax,
With Phlogiston®, I’ll share the facts!
Yes, I'm gleaming my dome,
Like Cadillac chrome!
I keep a-lookin' at my scalp 'cause it's gettin' me high,
Forget the wig 'cause I’m never shy!
I got Phlogiston®, like bomb,
That’s why my scalp is looking so fly!

'Cause I'm Bald! Yes, I'm Bald!
Well, I'm Bald! Yes, I'm Bald!
Well, I'm Ba-a-a-ald!Ba-a-a-ald!
Well, I'm Baldo Bald™!
Yes, I'm Baldo Bald™!

Ow!

Baldo Bald™, give my scalp a smack,
Going to go get a Baldo’s Family-Pac™!
Yes, I'm polished good, like I should
Going catch the next bus to Hollywood!
'Cause I'm back on the shine and my dome is so fine,
Perhaps one evening we go out and dine!
As a gentleman, you can be certain I’ll pay,
And I’ll be buffed the Phlogiston® way!

'Cause I'm Bald! Yes, I'm Bald!
Well, I'm Bald! Yeah, I'm Bald!
Well, I'm Ba-a-a-ald!
Ba-a-a-ald!
Well, I'm Baldo Bald™!
Yes, I'm Baldo Bald™!

Well, I'm Ba-a-a-ald! (I'm Bald!)
Ba-a-a-ald! (Well, I'm Bald!)
Ba-a-a-ald! (I'm Bald!)
Ba-a-a-ald! (I'm Bald!)
Ba-a-a-ald! (I'm Bald!)
Ba-a-a-ald!
Baldo Bald™!
Yes, I'm Baldo Bald™!

Remember: There’s Bald, and then there’s Baldo Bald.
Now with Phlogiston®‼
Baldo’s Shiny Wax™ for Balds. Available at your friendly neighborhood drugstore.

**

(To the "tune" of Baby Got Back)

[Intro]
Oh, my, god. Maurice, look at his BALD. It is so shiny. He looks like,someone who avails himself of Mr. Baldo’s Shiny Wax™ For Balds. But, y'know, who can’t help but admire shiny Balds? Woman only talk to him, because his gleaming dome exudes confidence, 'kay? I mean, his Bald, is just so polished. I can't believe it's just so burnished,, it's like,out there, I mean – my god. He's just so ... Bald!

[Sir Bald-o-Lot]

♪ I like Mr.Baldo’s and I cannot lie
♪ You other Baldie's can't deny
♪ That when Phlogiston® is applied as directed,
♪ Your scalp starts to get respected,
♪ And you GLEAM, wanna take off you cap
♪ And show that ra-di-ant dome
♪ And with the incandescent glow your wearing
♪ The masses can't stop staring
♪ Tia Carrera wants to get wit'cha
♪ And take your picture
♪ Before your dull pate made ya feel mourny…
♪ But with that Bald suddenly it’s pleasant to be so shorny
♪ Ooh, Baldo'-smooth-skin
♪ Now you admired by colleagues and friends
♪ Truly, Phlogiston® is meant
♪ To be an above average sol-vent
♪ I've seen them coruscate!
♪ Drop some science on that pate!
♪ It gleam with sheens,
♪ Like a Monet landscape scene
♪ I'm tired of magazines
♪ Sayin' soporific scalps are the thing
♪ Take the average Baldman and ask him
♪ The dome gotta pack much vim
♪ So, Baldos! (Yeah!) Baldos! (Yeah!)
♪ Has your Bald got Phlogiston®? (Hell yeah!)
♪ Tell 'em to buff it! (Buff it!) Buff it! (Buff it!)
♪ BUFF that healthy Bald!
♪ Baldo’s got scalp!(My Baldo’s Shiny Wax, with Phlogiston®)
♪ Baldo’s got scalp!
♪ (Apply just a drop to bust a gleam on top)
♪ (Apply just a drop to bust a gleam on top)
♪ (Apply just a drop to bust a gleam on top)
♪ (Apply just a drop to bust a gleam on top)

Now with Phlogiston®‼
Baldo's Shiny Wax™ for Balds. Available at your friendly neighborhood drugstore.

**

(To the tune of Satisfaction)
♪ I can't get no Phlogiston®
♪ I can't get no Phlogiston®.
♪ 'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
♪ I can't get no, I can't get no.

♪ When I go to the grocery store
♪ And the idiot clerk in Aisle 6 (Bald care)
♪ Is tellin' me they don’t got no more
♪ Baldo's Shiny Wax™ for Balds
♪ As he snickers at my occluded scalp,
♪ I can't get no Phlogiston®
♪ Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

♪ I need to get some Phlogiston®
♪ I need to get some Phlogiston®
♪ 'Cause I’m Bald and I’m Bald and I’m Bald and I’m Bald.
♪ I can't get no, I can't get no.

♪ When I'm tending to dome care
♪ And the tin bottom is shining through
♪ The leavings of Mr. Baldo’s magic goo
♪ And I’ve reached the end – my heart may rend
♪ At this cranial tragedy!
♪ I scream no, no oh Christ no!
♪ Hey hey hey, my scalp is dull.

♪ I can't get no Phlogiston®
♪ I need a tin, but I don’t got one.
♪ 'Cause I’m Bald and I’m Bald and I’m Bald and I’m Bald.
♪ I can't get no, I can't get no.

♪ When I'm walkin' round the block
♪ And I'm scrapin’ here and I'm beggin’ there
♪ Just tryin' to score some wax.
♪ The clerk tells me better come back later next week
♪ Seems you hit us at Bald season’s peak

♪ I can't get no, I can't get no,
♪ I can't get no Mr. Baldo’s® Shiny Wax™!
(Try our new Mentho-Phlog, No Tears wax. For children's tender Balds.)

Now with Phlogiston®‼
Baldo's Shiny Wax™ for Balds. Available at your friendly neighborhood drugstore.

**

(To the Tune of Iron Man)

I. AM. BALD-O!

♪Has he lost his sheen?
♪What can he do to make it gleam?
♪Can he shine his dome?
♪With a dollop of Phlogiston® foam?
♪The la-bel has he read?
♪Will he apply to his head?
♪Just five minutes there
♪Is a priceless aid in Bald-o care.

♪He is polished now
♪The La-dies all shout out WOW!
♪Battling scalpie brine
♪For the future of mankind

♪Nobody mocks him
♪They just stare at his head
♪With Baldo’s Shiny Wax™
♪Any woman he can bed.

♪Now the time is here
♪To travel to your drugstore near
♪Pull it from the shelf
♪An essential tool for Bald-o health!

♪Nobody mocks him
♪They just stare at his head
♪With Baldo’s Shiny Wax™
♪Any woman he can bed.

♪Phlogiston® contains no lead
♪It’s a perfect balm for the Bald-o Head!
♪Run to the store as fast as you can
♪Baldo's Shiny Wax™ for Balds lives again!

As advertised on the Shorn Hannity Radio Hour.
Now with Phlogiston®‼
Baldo's Shiny Wax™ for Balds. Available at your friendly neighborhood drugstore.

**

(The Tune of "Blake's Jerusalem")

♪ And did this wax in ancient time
♪ Polish England's Baldies a-gleam?
♪ And did the waxie wax of Phlogiston®
♪ Giveth England's pleasant Baldie sheen?

♪ And did the Shiny Wax Divine
♪ Shine forth upon our smooth-ed domes?
♪ And was a Healthy Brill-i-ance buff-ed here
♪ Among these dark Satanic liver spots?

♪ Bring me my tub of wax!
♪ Bring me my lambswool shammy!
♪ Bring me my sealant!
♪ O clouds of Phlogiston®‼ Bring me my Baldo's Shiny Wax™!

♪ I will not cease from my buffing,
♪ Nor shall my shammy sleep in my hand
♪ Till Baldo's Shiny Wax™ for Balds,
♪ Has smoothed and polish-ed my pate.

Now with Phlogiston®‼
Baldo's Shiny Wax™ for Balds. Available at your friendly neighborhood drugstore.

SO, uh, neat.

Labels: , ,

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home